Bah humbug.

I like this bold print so this blog will be bold to represent my seriousness...of which is something I do not possess. Anyways, Christmas always brings out the worst in people. Like 75% of my clothing was given away by a few drug ridden douche bags that don't realize Karma is a huge bitch...believe me I know. Today I have taken the higher road to not say anything rude about anyone or anything, which is hard for me when I am angry. On the other hand I am also thinking about things in my life that need to change. First off, being more committed to everything in my life. Which includes school, not smoking and drinking less. Knowing myself it will be School, smoking one less cigarette a day and drinking more often. Either way I will be pleased. The second thing is I want to lose alllllllll the left over weight I have, even if it means I have to not eat for a week. Seriously, I am sick of it. I am not much of a show off when it comes to having a good body but its been a while since I have taken off my shirt and been completely happy with what I see soooooo I would like any surplus weight to be gone from my bodice. I would also like to be able to wear a bathing suit and not be ashamed. I am a female, I should look like one.

Have a Merry Christmas.....maybe

great.

You know how drug addicts have triggers that set them off and all they do after the trigger is touched is get high? Well I have that but with depression, and without the need to get high. Its cliche and gay and all that but the emotion is still real and annoying. Sometimes it happens though. I'll be totally fine then I am blue for a day and then I am fine again. Knowing me I usually always have a smile on my face and a chipper attitude but today feels completely different. All I want to do is stare. Just stare and think about how worthless everything is and how nothing actually matters and how life sucks. Then I think about karma and how its all my fault in retrospect. In all actuality I would rather be dead, having a whole group of friends mad at you for something you can't control kinda fucking blows. People I have known for years and know I would never intentionally hurt them find that I am a huge target to do exactly that. I don't know what to do, except end it all, but where would I go? Can't be any better than where I am in this point in my life. Whoever you are reading this, don't worry about me, I will be here tomorrow. I am always here.

Sup audience. Its been a long minute, a long minute filled with many sighs and a lot of good stories and a lot of tears. First off, I moved....again. This time it is with my dear friend/brother Daniel, my old friend Tyler, one of my best friends Jordan and then there is Anthony. We live in a small house in Provo and its pretty chill. I am also like 100 times closer to my bestie of besties Heidi. We smoke inside, and play mortal combat all day. We also have a race to the mustache. I actually have to sweep the floor because I lost and clean up an epic cat shit. ANYWAYS! I moved.
Second off, I have a job now, so I have even less time to sit on my ass and write dumb blogs about how retarded I am. My boss, incidentally, asked me out on two dates in high school and I stood him up both times because I guess I would have rather dated a black kid, and a fat asian...at the same time.
Third, my daughter turned three on the first of December and it was 3 years since I had to say goodbye to motherhood and hand that little blessing and responsibility to someone more suitable. Then I got in a tiff with a friend and a boy named nameless, and those two added up together equal not a good time. Luckily, I have a good friend called alcohol. Alcoholic or not, it makes nights go by a little faster and more fun, and Jordan just barked in her sleep....that was weird.

Now to the point of this blog. I have this ex boyfriend, his name is Alex J Peterson. He was my longest relationship, 2.5 years, which was in junior high as well. We used to write each other emails alllll the times and all the days. Sometimes they were cutesy and then some of them were myspace surveys. So I read through all of them and I realized that I have changed significantly and yet again, I haven't changed at all in the last 6 years. My sense of humor seems to be the only thing that has transitioned into adulthood, even then I don't have an "adult" sense of humor...whatever that is. My looks have pretty much stayed the same, except for maybe losing some baby fat in my face. My hair color is exactly the same. I still own half of the clothes I wore back then. Unfortunately I have zero pictures of my childhood or else I would show you. Anyways I am going to recover from a massive hangover. Piddy is how I feel.

Zelda.

If you know me well enough, you know that Link and I have a secret affair. Meaning I will ditch people to go play Zelda if I really feel inclined, which is often. At the moment I am playing Link to the Past and I am so goddamn frustrated I stopped to write a blog because I don't want to go and hang out with anyone. Why you ask? Because as much as Zelda makes me irate, the game can't talk back to me. I could say "Fuck you!" and all it would do is annoy me with its music some more. Not a bad trade off if you ask me. Seriously though, say you are in a fight with a friend and you say fuck you to them and all they do back is slay random creatures when you push b. I find that friendship to be the best one ever. Who needs a boyfriend when you have video games?!

Eventually you get sick of finding your undies in people's pockets.

I feel like when I drink in the middle of the week shitty things happen. In my defense, I was depressed and lonely and I needed to get my mind off of somethings so I drank, which wasn't smart. I confess my undying love to EVERYONE if I drink in the middle of the week. I also have bruises all the way down my legs and I have no idea how that happened. The last time I drank in the middle of the week my underwear was found in my friend's coat pocket, that's cool. So I am going to keep it to the weekends. As much as I love it, I hate it.
I just realized I confess my undying love to everyone when I am sober, but when I am drunk I use the phrase,"I am IN love with you." Also, I never say those things to people I actually like, because that would be kinda weird.

AND I GET TO DRIVE!! ALL WEEK!!

Just when I thought my balls were dropping...

I watched a movie today, it was a chick flick....I cried, like a lot of tears. It was then that I realized I have been acting way too girly lately. For that, I apologize to the entire world. Ugh. I feel like my uterus is crying for attention, it just way too sick of me ignoring that it even exists. So it decided to take over my brain with its estrogen powers, and now I am on day 3 of watching chick flicks, while in the meantime conscious brain is getting torchered with chemicals like lye, while it has to sit and watch these vagina movies. Not that I don't like chick flicks, because I really do, but I only like watching them when I have a friend here to eat ice cream with and complain about how we are lonely and then our periods start and we repeat this cycle the following month. Well you see, that time of the month was over 5 days ago so there is no excuse for this to be going on except what I stated earlier. This is like the Civil War but worse because hormones are involved and I haven't been exactly a happy camper this week. Yet, it is almost better since there was no slavery or the assassination of President Lincoln.

So yesterday I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and then today was The Notebook. Both had Ryan Gosling and both made me want to slit my wrists. I am ignoring my stupid uterus for the rest of my life. I might even get a sex change. Tooooooo much crying just went on for a movie.

Rock Bottom.

So there is this place where I have ventured a few times. Its dark and scary and sobriety is not common but bad decisions are. That was my whole last week, because I am awesome. I was stranded in a very small town that is quite possibly the worst town in the whole world, Payson, UT....I dare not even speak its name. I keep being drawn back into this black hole since like half my friends live down there and my daughter does as well. There is nothing good about Payson, its like the Voldemort of towns. It probably had potential to be great for a minute there and then the worst people in the world took over, hicks. People who do not have the ability to form real sentences would be my definition for that word. They are also people who think pants need to ride up your balls, and that lassos are acceptable to bring into public. Its really like that Spongebob Squarepants episode where he rides the bus for too long and gets stuck in Rock Bottom with Patrick. You can't tell which bathrooms to go into because females look like the males, and they might have better mustaches then the guys too, and everyone talks different. I was scared. And I spent way too many nights sleeping on a couch.
Tonight is my first night home and I,honestly,feel kinda lonely seeing as the last two nights I have fallen asleep on a queen sized bed with me and two more boys. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but I passed out on a futon listening to Starcraft II later on and that is really all that anyone ever needs in life. Gaming and sleep at the same time is kind of like being in love but way better. So more like eating steak and potatoes, then eating a shit ton of cookies and NOT feeling sick after........I feel as though I might be hungry. I really want steak. 

I needed a Scott tonight....

I went to a costume party with a friend tonight, I dressed up as Ramona Flowers, and he was in a toga. Everything was going fine until Freddy Kruger sat next to me. Mind you, I was wearing shorts, pink tights, a tank top and a light jacket, nursing a weak rum and Coke combination. There was not a whole lot to protect myself with, and I was getting uncomfortable at all the weird compliments he was tossing at me, that I was simply not having. I went outside for a cigarette with my toga'd friend and we laughed and lamented about life, just as I was feeling comfortable again Freddy comes outside, more drunk than before, in attempt to sit next to me. Luckily, drunk girl number 1 had my back and sat next to me first and laid her legs down next to her. At that exact moment drunk lesbian fell down some stairs, and I used this as a diversion to get away and get away fast. I rushed back downstairs to find Tarzan, toga friend, and he protected me for the next few minutes. Tarzan decided he needed to pee so I was left alone on the couch. Drunk Freddy stumbled his way from upstairs and outside all the way back down to me and we had the following conversation:

"You're name is Brooke right?"
"Yes, that does happen to be my name."
"You are like beautiful."
"Thank you, that is very nice of you to say."
"We should do dirty things. Or like, fuck."
"No thank you. You are welcome to do them by yourself though."
"You are so beautiful."
"....Thanks...my boyfriend thinks so too."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah I sure do."
"We should fuck."
"I have a boyfriend, remember how I said that earlier?"
"You are the most beautiful girl ever."
"You have said that quite a few times, I am not going to have sex with you."
"We should fuck."
"I think I will fuck my boyfriend now."

This was only 1/4 of the conversation, and the other 3/4 were just the same things over and over again, until I just got up and went pee for 10 minutes. I, also, don't actually have a boyfriend but I was PRAYING someone would come sweep me off my feet and save me, because I was going to get raped and murdered by Freddy Kruger, and while I was awake! THAT IS NOT HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! After a few short minutes Tarzan and I decided to GTFO and I couldn't have been more pleased. I arrived home and immediately confided in my bed and the internet to take away my fear of drunken 32 year old men. But I guess he'll probably come back while I dream since he is Freddy Kruger....shit. At least he said I was beautiful 5 million times.

EKOORB STRIKES AGAIN!

    Over the last 4 days I have been laying in bed, drugged up on a little lady called Nyquil because I can't seem to swallow anything, and my tonsils are the size of half dollar coins and I had a 100 degree fever. On Tuesday, I was just being lazy and said I don't want to get out of bed, then by that evening at around 10:00 I was struck with karma...nausea, headache, sore throat, runny nose, and eye crusties were EVERYWHERE! ALL OF THE EYE CRUSTIES!! I was in a lot of pain needless to say. I slept on the bathroom floor for the majority of that night because I was certain I was going to vomit. Guess what? I did. Mass amounts of mucous and I am pretty sure half a bottle of Nyquil. Pretty attractive right? Maybe that is why I am still single, or maybe it is the eye crusties and the refusal to stop picking my nose...either way I am an unattractive ball of woman that no one wants to deal with, and that is alright. So I throw up, and fell asleep on the floor for another hour, 1. because it is comfortable and 2. because the tile was cold and my nervous system was about to get cooked. I woke up and moved onto my empty bed. I looked like Michael J. Fox because I was shaking so hard. I laid down and closed my eye for thirty seconds and was asleep for the next three hours, when I woke up to me being in a puddle of my own sweat. Good news, I sweat out my fever. Bad news, I was covered in sweat.

    So there is this drug out there called Ecstasy. X, E, or Roll as some may call it but Ecstasy all the same. How this little drug works is it boosts your fever up but without the how sick part. Well when your fever is high, your senses are intensified, everything seems much more blatant than before. So I am running a 100 degree fever and I decide to go to Wal-Mart with Griffin Heart. She shows me a blanket that is super soft, I go to pet it....I don't stop petting it. I said this very thing in the middle of Wally World, "This is like being on Ecstasy but legal!" That blanket was so damn fuzzy and I was going to keep touching it until I was that fuzzy. That dream did not come true and then I slept on a bathroom floor, funny how drugs and illnesses end up the same way sometimes. 

    That's the end of my sickness story, I haven't taken my anti depressants in a few days since I don't like to mix incompatible substances together. Ekoorb has been bug-a-luggin to come out and make me out to be a 14 year old again. Dayyyyyum gurl, you get cho lil latina ass back in that chemic'lly u'balanced head of yo's nigga. PROZAC, COME SAVE MY BRAIN FROM SHITTY MUSIC AND HORMONES!!! Oh, also spat on myself in my sleep today. I had a dream that I was smoking, I went to spit and then realized I actually spit on my arm :) GENIUS!

Guide to a drunken Minor.

So as you can tell, I drink...and I drink a lot. The longest I have been sober was 2 weeks in the middle of April because I was too depressed to do anything else besides make money and order large stuffed crust pizzas to eat by myself while I wept from loneliness and played Zelda, since Link was the only man who satisfied me, sexually and mentally. Creepy right? Anyways, I drink on the weekends to protect myself from being a complete alcoholic and because what kind of person drinks in the middle of the week alone? Unhappy married people, rapists and baby killers that's who. But everyone has stages of drunkenness, I have about 4, and I even have pictures to go alone with the layers of drunkenness.

Pretty normal face for me.

First Step: Tipsy
Tipsy Brooke is a normal Brooke, just a little bit less awkward. I am more willing to jump into a conversation, or play a drinking game. This state doesn't last long, for there is more alcohol to be had. Things I have said in this state are, "But cats are animals guys!" And yes, cats most definitely are animals.




Second Step: Low Level Drunk

Not so sober

At this state, our test subject Brooke, will take off her shirt because it is too damn hot to wear one while you are playing pool. This is a good level to be at if you want to go home and not wake anyone up, or if you want to refrain from random outbursts of tears, that of which happens A LOT when I am alone and drunk. Good things I have said,"I feel like you are a faggot if you call me a dainty kisser." I really don't feel dainty when I kiss but I guess its possible.

This might actually be pretty.

Third Step: High Level Drunk:
This phase is the level where I have started smoking other people's cigarettes and I am no longer wearing pants because who needs pants?! I will also start to refuse taking shots at this point because I do not want the next phase to happen. Kissing random people and not comprehending people are also symptoms that I might be highly intoxicated. I have no good quotes from me being drunk at this phase, its all pretty much just me laughing and saying how warm I am with pants on, but I will give you one anyways," If I am ever single again....Man that boy is in troublllllllllle."

I...yeah....no comment

Fourth Step: Blackout
I apparently seduce people into having sex on front lawns, which sadly enough has happened once and possibly another time as well, so yeah twice...I don't get what is so attractive about lawn sex since I am really allergic to grass. This is the blackout phase that I almost never get to because I don't like not knowing what happened from point A to whatever point I might be at in the morning. I have only been here 4 times. I don't enjoy it at all, though its kinda fun to find clues as to what happened that previous night.


So there you have it, a guide to a drunk Brooke, I suck at closing statements so this is the end of the blog. Haters gonna hate!

Awesome.

Remembering Sunday...not.

There is a list of things I will never do again:
1. Mix alcohol and pills.
2. Text people while I am on my sleeping meds, though some funny shit gets said.
3. Get blackout drunk.

I learned this last one the hard way, meaning I don't remember anything from Friday night and I have a lot of bruises EVERYWHERE, so that leads me to believe that I either fell a LOT, probably more than I should've, or was beaten and raped. Moral of this story, never make a pact with someone to get blackout drunk, because it WILL happen, and you WILL be curious why you have bruises and how you woke up with no pants on.

There is this old saying about me that I won't speak of but I found out that it is kinda true, for that I will apologize to two people, Kyle and Chris, because they suffered the wrath of this personality trait like NONE OTHER. No one should have to suffer through it, yet I keep living up to this expectation. If you text me I might tell you what this thing is but there is no need to publicly announce it to the 20 people who read my blog. Sorry folks! You can ask Kyle or Chris and I am sure they will tell you.

Also, I win....at like the majority of my life. Justsayin'.


Watch this: Hella awesome

This is my liiiiiiiiiiife....I fell asleep with the lights on.

Hello, my name is Brooke and I have the mentality of a 14 year old. That being said, I drove around town with my accomplice we will call Griffin Heart. Griffin Heart and I, Heimstadt assassin, decided to have a night on the town. This is the epic tale of Griffin Heart and Heimstadt Assassin.

On a dark and cloudy night,that wasn't really cloudy, in Orem/Provo, UT, 2 girls were drinking alcohol, and then became struck with boredom. So they set off on an adventure in hopes to be entertained. They drove around for a good hour before deciding that pumpkins needed to be stolen. So they went to McDonald's and rounded up their trash, and set off to the pumpkin patch. Little did they know there was an obstacle in the way, a steep ditch. Griffin Heart sprinted off into the night and fell straight into the weedy ditch. Heimstadt Assassin witnessed the clumsy fall and avoided falling.
   Shortly after, the deed was done and pumpkins were being held hostage, Griffin Heart was aware that the ditch was there but happened to fall down in it again. Heimstadt Assassin simply said,"I am going to pee," due to laughing so hard. Griffin Heart replied,"I already did." As we continued our adventure one of the pumpkins was taken as a casualty and smashed all over a young fellow's yard. They once again peed their pants.

Long story short, Jordan and I stole pumpkins, she fell in a ditch twice, she then peed her pants from laughing and then we smashed one of the pumpkins on someone's driveway and peed ourselves laughing again. I feel like I pee from laughing far too often, especially since I am 20.....oh well.

Oh Michael....

I am sick of moving. Since June I have moved five times...yeah fucking fun. I just moved into my new new new new new house in Orem where I will only be staying temporarily until I can afford a car and rent. I dislike moving. Good news is I have a bigger bed, that I still share but its bigger than a twin!

I was thinking today everyone I have ever asked on a date has never followed through. 3 years ago right before I met my "big ex" I was set up on a date with this kid named Mike. We didn't end up going on a date for some reason and I was slightly butt hurt. So three years later I get asked to be in a short film by my friend Allen and his friend Josh. So I go and film the first day and the director introduced himself as Mike. I, then realized that this Mike character was THE Mike, and that he was attractive. Obviously, I got his number because for one, he was the director of my movie and for two he was hot. I asked him to hang out a couple times while we were filming and he obliged and everything we just never got around to it. Still. We are good friends now though, but I no longer have a huge crush on him. I have moved to bigger and better things, just kidding, I love Mike he is a cool cat.

This is the thing

I took my Adderall today guys! Its been at least 2 months since I took it and I am tweaking a bit. Like I keep licking my lips and picking at my fingernails, where the nail bed meets the hyponichium, in Leyman's terms where you get dirt. For some reason all I want to listen to Taking Back Sunday.
   While I was drving Alex's car today and smoking my first cigarette in 2.5 days (yeah I am awesome) I was thinking about people who inspire me and stuffs and I decided that would be my topic for the day. All of them are teachers because I loved school. 
   Mr. Byington was my ninth grade English teacher and he was awesome. I didn't want to take his class at first because he scared me. Anyone who wears plaid shirts everyday is intimidating, just saying! So obviously I went to go change my teacher to an older woman who was a riot, but the request was denied because I am pretty sure my reasoning for it was that he wore plaid shirts everyday and that it scared me. So the first day of class I sat in the back because I was a hard ass emo kid and I was afraid of plaid wearing teachers. He hands out the disclosure document that I never turned in and started telling the class about what we would be learning in the school year. He then proceeded to tell us that Edgar Allan Poe was a genius and that he hated the kids that had their parents try and boost their grade up by talk about how much money they had or that their father was a clergyman of a certain religion. After that class period I knew I would have a role model. At this point I didn't think was I was smart, I couldn't read very fast and my grades were atrocious, but in class I was always raising my hand to answer questions with serious depth behind it. We had to assess ourselves for parent teacher conference and I said I raised my hand too much and he put on the paper, verbatum,"Don't stop sharing, the other kids look up to you because you have a mind of your own. Your inferences are extremely intelligent." He encouraged me to read ahead of the class. He also said I was one of the only kids that enjoyed Shakespeare, which is no longer true. I hate reading Shakespeare. Oh he also cussed out students a lot and poured water all over one kid for falling asleep. It was hilarious!

Mr. Johanson was my ninth grade Earth Systems teacher, I now call him Will because he adopted my daughter. As you can pretty much tell we were really close. He is a role model because he is an awesome parent to Piper, and he was an awesome teacher to me. I vividly recall him telling me I reminded him of the girl on the breakfast club because I was emo for one thing, but because I was socially awkward but I didn't give a fuck who you were I would talk to you. He also helped me cheat my way up to a C in his class, he knew I tried hard and that I did the work but I had a problem with turning stuff in. He told his wife a few years later that if any of his students were to get pregnant and place the baby for adoption, the only person he would accept it from was me. He was honestly one of my best friends in junior high. When my boyfriend broke up with me I punched a locker, dented it, and he witnessed the whole thing and all he did was give me a look of, "Holy shit calm down," and walked away. I don't think he'll ever understand how cool he was to me and how eternally grateful I am that Piper has him for a dad instead of Justin.

Miss Kingman taught me how to love classical music and opera and still enjoy hard rock. She was so jealous because I saw Depeche Mode, which was her favorite band. She also taught me how to use my voice and not be afraid to get up and sing in front of people.

My last inspiration  is Mrs.Drakulich, my tenth grade honors English teacher. Yeah, honors. I am a nerd. I hate this woman more than anything else in this world. She might possibly be the worst teacher I have ever had in my entire life and I will tell you why. So, we're reading Macbeth for class and she asks a question on how to infer a passage, so I raise my hand and answer the question. She looks at me and tells me I am wrong and that I was stupid for inferring Shakespeare that way. I did what any other kid wouldn't have done, I stood up and said very calmly,"Mrs. Drakulich, you are a bitch." Then I walked out of class and I never went back. Now you might be wondering why she inspires me. Well, she taught me that when I become a teacher I will do everything in my power to not have a stick up my ass like she did.

Well i am done writing. Good weather and books are calling my name!

Ew.

I just wrote the shittiest/best poem/letter ever for my other blog....I am either really happy with it or really disappointed in it. I can't tell.

Dear lord....

Trying to find things to write blogs about it hard. I looked on google for like writing challenges and I found a few I want to do. The first few days are like write a letter to your best friend, crush, parent, role model and things like that. Well I decided the things I wrote about to people like that are way too private and not funny at all. I, very obviously, wear my heart on my sleeve but there are things that I keep to myself....sometimes. I mean I am not going to be like,"Hey I think you're hot and I want to put my mouth on your mouth." Or "I think your baby is ugly." Though, I have said those things before openly and while still sober, and that dear friends and strangers is why I am awesome. Side note, at least 3 times while I have been writing this I have stopped writing mid-word and added a period. Example, I wrote awesome up there and at first I wrote awes. With the period and everything because as much as I am awesome I am equally retarded. And I only wrote half of retarded and added a period....GAH! Anywho, I wear my emotions on my sleeve most of the time, but when it comes to telling people how I feel, especially if its dealing with confrontation, I keep my shapely lips shut. The things it tells me to write about I decided to completely honest with myself so that's why its not on this here blog. I am going through with the challenge though its just on my other blog that I use as my journalish stuff. Though if you ask nicely I will probably let you read my brain diarrhea, I call it that because its shitty AND because I can't stop it. I am on day two right meow and I am going to write that after I write this probs, but the more time goes on I don't want to write about what its telling me to.

On a better note I am going to read a book now. And I have to move again. I am going to go read. Peace, Love and Jesus Christ everyone.

Scary movies....

....are awesome, except when I am afraid to take a shower or pee alone. Seriously. It always starts as something fun, like," Oh! Friends! I have a good idea, lets all watch a scary movie!" Then it turns into having a bunch of people huddled under one blanket because we all think the thin piece of fabric will keep us safe from any possible form of harm including: Satan, ghosts, Aliens, any form of creature and the dark. Its completely illogical but the blanket is like a bomb shelter, nothing can penetrate the titanium threading of a snugly blanket. When I decided to make stupid choices such as watching Ghost Adventures by me lonesome in the dark, I used to end up holding my cat so tight that she couldn't breathe.
What compels us to want to shit our pants out of fear? That's kind of a funny thing to think about. I know plenty of people who don't enjoy watching scary movies or reading scary stories, but I love all of those things. Being scared is one of my favorite things ever! I don't enjoy scaring people though. Not a fan of that at all.

I successfully got drunk and didn't do anything stupid. I was quite proud when I woke up and didn't feel like an idiot. I did sleep most of the day though, but who really cares?! The only really dumb part of the evening was trying to explain to someone about how I don't really believe in love but I am hopeless romantic so I actually do believe in love and soul mates and all that bull shit. Mostly, it just ended with both of us being confused and stuff.

Lately I have been cursed with Writer's Block because I have finished reading two blogs. I don't have anymore to read!!! I could read a book but I don't want to at the moment. If you know any good blogs that are funny PLEASE TELL ME!

Drunk blogging.

I drank at a bar today. You might be thinking,"Brooke, you are lying because you aren't 21!" On the contrary my dear friends; I went to a bar in Spanish Fork A.K.A. The devil's city. Might I point out that it wasn't hard at all for me to obtain alcohol? First off, they didn't card at the door. Secondly, I just had someone who was over 21 bring me drinks. I have the best friends ever. I was thinking to myself I won't get super drunk because the last time I did I made an ass of myself and stuff that I am embarrassed about because there was a cute boy involved that had to take care of my stupid shit, and for that, cute boy who will remain nameless but he knows who he is, I apologize. I don't mind watching you throw up or giving you water but I care when I say really stupid things that aren't in my personality and I was trying to impress the wrong set of people. Anywho, I drank two AMF's and I am hardly buzzed. In fact, I could drive a car right now and it would be legal. Which means I am fucking AWESOME! I got to drink in public and got away with it! I might be one of the coolest/lamest people in the world right now, but seeing as I have been drinking all I want to do is cuddle. Cuddling while drunk is one of the best things in the world. Though when I do get to cuddle I end up waking up before them and start doing stuff. Ask said 'Cute Boy Who Will Remain Nameless' he knows because I have done it to him like 2 or 3 times. So I am tired and I am going to sleep.

Self Discovery

I found out today I am a hopeless romantic...which is kinda shitty because it uses the word "hopeless". I was using this wonderful site called Stumbleupon and I got a page full of quotes of all categories. I read a few about how love isn't lost and love is hard to find but worth it in the end and all those cliche, cheesy things smart people say and I found myself agreeing with most of them. Now, I am what you consider a skeptic. I have started to not believe in love or "happily ever after" for myself or anyone in general. I strictly believe in science when it comes to this new grotesque invention called love. The Honeymoon Stage only lasts about 6 months and then commitment kicks in, and commitment scares people. When I started reading those quotes I realized that I really do want to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor. Or that I will wake up next to the person I am committed to in the morning and smile, sometimes I smile in my sleep about it but that is dreaming, and dreaming makes everyone smile! But mostly its sex. I was talking to my mom the other day and she was giving me the six millionth sex talk I have received since I was 15 and it kicked in that spending time, laughing and bonding about stupid things is all you really need. Cuddles and kissing is among the top most intimate things ever. I mean everyone likes sex but why not just put off til tomorrow and learn to trust and feel committed to the other person instead of just saying,"Here's my vagina. Do what you please."

In less cheesy, warm and cuddle-filled news, I got my groove back. Who would've guessed that all it takes was actually putting make up on and taking a shower. I never say shit like this but holy balls I looked CUTE today, and guess who say me?! No one....except one of the vagrants at my house....oh and a puppy! The puppy doesn't count though because he is cuter than me. Confidence is such a weird thing. The only bad thing about it is that other people do lack it, and then they say stupid shit like, "I'm ugly! No one likes me because I am fat!" No, no one likes you because you smell like tuna and put out WAY too much. Been there, done that, it wasn't a fun journey...though it does make for some awesome stories!

I also have almost completed my Halloween costume. AND I saw Avenged Sevenfold last night. I have loved them since 9th grade and wanted to see them, I FINALLY DID! I was going completely bat shit insane with excitement. I also have this hidden talent where I can scream, like the cool kind of screaming and I was doing it and I accidentally screamed in someone's ear and they just looked at me and yelled back like it was going to stop me. I squinted my eyes and in my brain all I though was,"Challenge Accepted." Seriously, its Avenged Sevenfold! And its not like we could hear at the end of the night anyways what with being right next to a speaker. I am still hearing a high pitched tone. I LOVE IT! M. Shadows was even hotter IRL than I would've thought. Soooo many happy jizz-worthy moments were had.

Pregnant women.

Folks, I have nothing against getting married and having kids. I have no problem with not getting married and just getting knocked up. That happened to me when I was 16 and I have the world's coolest almost 3 year old that I legally have no obligations to. Meaning, I get to see my child, and I love her and she loves me but I am SUPER happy I don't have to teach her how to poop in a toilet, or wipe the poop for that matter. Kids are great but I am not ready for a screaming, kicking sack of meat and skin that poops and draws on walls. The only problem I have with these children is their mothers. I hate pregnant women. I hate them. I don't care if you put your ultrasound pictures up or belly pictures, that is fine and I wish I would've documented my pregnancy but mostly me being pregnant looked like this.

Reason it wasn't documented.

That guy right there is not my baby daddy. But anyways, what I hate is when these girls are like,"I can't wait to meet this sweet angel." Holy shit its a baby, when you are pushing that "sweet angel" out you will totally change your mind. When there is a 6 - 9 lbs. being forced out of your body BY your body, you are not calling this baby an angel, more like a road block into being comfortable. Plus then you go into shock right after this muscle and bone burrito has been passed. Don't get me wrong, I cried when I had my baby, I was very happy and I love her more than I could love anyone, but 28 hours of labor, and hunger and thirst makes you a little bit testy. I remember having a contraction so painful I was writhing, all I said was this ,"GTFO BABY!" I was not happy about being in pain. One reason that I was even angrier was because I only got to keep her for 48 hours and my ex boyfriend/baby daddy was being a dick. If you are confused, I placed my baby for adoption.

She's pretty cool.

Back to my original point, when they say I can't wait to meet them, even though you have been pregnant for almost 9 months. Ok, to the males who read this, its ok if you don't understand and if you say that you are excited to meet your infant. But us females, we know the personality of our fetus by the time they start kicking. Take Piper for instance, she would stick all four of her limbs out and you could see them stick out. As soon as I pushed them back in she would push back that much harder! She is the same way now, she is a smart ass. One time I told her not to color on a certain page because I wanted to color that page. She then looked at me like I was stupid and said,"Mommy Brooke, you are weird for wanting to color that page." I just looked at her like she was stupid and said," You're weird!" Yes, I called my daughter weird. The point is that when she stuck her arms and legs out when she was a fetus she would've said something like,"Nigga! Quit pushing my arms and legs back in!" Thus meaning I have known her personality since before she was considered a human. Mostly, its one girl in particular that I just want to hit.

Plan of evil.

I have decided how to get everyone I know to read my blog. Aside from driving people up a fucking wall about it I will also do the following. Say my best friend Heidi asks me to hang out with her, (this is really quite farfetched for heidi in complete honesty. She never asks me to hang out with her.) I oblige and she asks me when I would like her to come pick me up from my humble home full of vagrants. All I say back to her is read my blog if you want to know the answer. So she reads my blog and it has the answer, I would like to hang out with her at around 8 o'clock since that is when she gets off work that day. Then she sees things like how I haven't done my laundry or how I don't eat and she comes over even faster because now she is trying to makes wash my underwear or she yells at me for not eating, which by the way I do, I eat a lot in fact. I find no flaws to this plan. Say a cute person asks me for my number, I hand him a paper that has this page's URL on it! Then I will tell him that he has to answer questions about things he read in my blog. I will win the universe! I will have it all!!

Also I am going to be Ramona Flowers for halloween. I might look way cooler than you because I am ACTUALLY going to dye my hair pink for the festivities. Yeah....PINK! I think blue and green look atrocious on my so pink it is! I need help with the outfit though. Do me a solid, watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and tell me which outfit of Ramona's you like the best! Majority rules. Let the games BEGIN!

Underwear

I am thinking too many things for them to make sense. I keep thinking about how much I love underwear when I don't have any to wear. Luckily, Jess gave me a pair that were actually mine, so I am in good comfort and support. My butt feels very happy to have a piece of lacy fabric caressing it. Its nice to know that a piece of fabric will have my back for LIFE! Except I need to wash all of mine.

Really, I am so tired. I, also, keep thinking about this: Say you're watching 30 rock with Tina Fey. Does Tina Fey as a human exist in that show? Or like is there an actor named Alec Baldwin in that show? What about Steven Baldwin, even though he's not in the show does he exist if his brother Alec doesn't? THERE ARE TOO MANY QUESTIONS!! GAH! That is another reason Tina Fey and I are a lot alike. She says a lot of the stupid things that I have always thought.

At this point you're thinking Brooke, go to bed, you need your rest for the day ahead! I say NAY! Too many thoughts and funny things happen when you are asleep. There is at least 8 hours of random stuff you are missing whilst sleeping, silently in your bed. I am not missing any of it. I am wide awake writing blogs and eating a bologna sandwich that happened to just roll down my chest. So now there is mayonnaise all over my hands and chest. Hot mental image I am sure! I also need to pee but it will hurt and that does not sound fun.

This is my last paragraph and then I am going to go lay down....maybe. Whenever I pull an all nighter I always hope the sun doesn't come up, because when it does that means I have stayed up all night and now I have to do things like put on pants and brush my teeth and put on make up. Ew. I don't like doing any of those things but I do them so that I don't look like a nudist that also happens to be homeless and unattractive. I personally like feeling pretty, its fun to occasionally have someone say, "You look nice today." Thus why I need to brush my teeth and do my make up. Though if someone said that I looked good without make up on I would automatically think they were lying so hard. So hard I might die.

I LIED! This is another paragraph! Ok but I am really going to close my eyes for a minute. Good bye cruel world

K I am done.

I am done being a oozing vagina now guys. I had myself a good cry while listening to all of the world's best emo songs. The only thing missing from this scenario is a razorblade to make me feel not numb, or to just take away the pain. As much fun as that sounds....its not...trust me, I have gotten stitches before due to my own stupidity...not awesome.
In better news, my bladder infection is back. That's fun. I am also completely out of underwear until Alex finishes his laundry. I AM WINNING! If Charlie Sheen met me he would be like "Holy shit, this is the fourth time your bladder infection has come back! Maybe you should learn to stop holding it in and finish your prescriptions." Then I will be like," Sheen, you go back to snorting coke and pulling out knives on your girlfriends, and I will go back to not taking my prescription meds."

I can't really think of anything else to write except I apologize for my girly mood swing blog. It made me feel like normal again though. That's a plus.

Really really sad.... :/

As much as I want to just be really freaking funny right now I am just really depressed and . Like seriously, I am listening to my playlist called "Sappy" right meow. I don't usually give in to this stuff, I am usually pretty confident, witty and charming or whatever, but today, today is different. Lately, I have felt extremely inadequate in everything that I can do. Most of them are stupid girly things like, I feel like I am not even remotely cute enough for anyone, ever. Or that I don't look like what certain group of people find attractive. I just think I look like a homely house wife who has (there is a lot of alliteration in that) nothing going for her, who smokes and drinks life away. There is a possibility that I look like a female Boo Radley as well. I am not a fan of it. I am not a fan of feeling (ALLITERATION AGAIN!) completely repulsive no matter how hard I try.

Loneliness has crept its way into my daily regimen. The loneliness wouldn't be a huge deal if I had my fucking cat. I had my cat for 11 years, she would always cuddle with me when I was sad. What's cool is I didn't even have to make her, she would just run and jump on me and cuddle me until I was happy or I fell asleep. I had to give her away when I lived with Landon. It was probably the worst experience of my life. I still catch myself thinking that she will be meowing when I get home, she's not. She was my baby basically. Not only that but she slept with me every night. I yearn for that. I miss her. I hate the fact that I go to sleep every night without saying I love you to someone I really truly love. Its stupid how much I still hurt over losing that. DEJA VU!!!!! Anyway, yes, I hate myself for not being able to keep that emotion/commitment in my life, I really do. All anyone really wants is to be loved by someone. I hate being lonely so much. I see how happy my ex is without me and it murders me. It makes me feel like I am meant to be by myself. Even with my friends I feel that way lately. Most of them are very caught up in material things, or sex. I have been far too caught up in that lately as well, which is ridiculously stupid. I would rather cuddle and say I love you than have sex at this point.

I apologize for the emo bullshit. I will be back to normal in a few days or hours I am sure of it. Sometimes you just get overwhelmed and need to recollect yourself before you dust yourself off and get back up. I am just feeling like lots of things about me need to change. Readjustment in life needed.

Facebook.

Sometimes Facebook likes to remind me that I stalk people. I was on my friend's page not five minutes ago and it was like Suggestions for People You Should Subscribe To!! The first three people are my friends that I stalk frequently. To the point where it is not good and I know way too much about their lives. It was just a little reminder as so how I have no life, and am creepy as balls.

This is usually what happens in my head when I am reminded about how weird I am:
Holy crap, did it really just tell me to subscribe to someone's facebook because I am on their page a lot?! Brooke, you are a smart girl, get up and use that to your advantage instead of just stalking these 3 people. You can also be cute if you want to be. So maybe you should get up brush your teeth, put make up on and put on some clean clothes and spend time with your friends. Maybe you would stop feeling so down on yourself if you were did something about it instead of being a creeper.

That's when I get really low on myself and Ekoorb says things like, "Yeah brain you're right, I am smart. Occasionally I even have some self confidence. Maybe I should do something about it.

Then the real me comes in and is like: Fuck that shit. Stay in bed and stalk your life away. Maybe you should like brush your teeth and stuff but putting on clean clothes?! Are you kidding me?! No. You are going to write blogs and eat bread with Alfredo sauce on it all day. Deal? Kdeal.

And so now I have decided to finish writing this blog and then I am going to pee because bladder infections scare me, and then I am going to watch Lord of the Rings :)

Denial.

This is the third time I have attempted to write a blog within the last 12 hours. I keep deleting the poop that comes out of my mouth because it is things like, "I ate bread with alfredo sauce last night." Or "Alex quit hiding people cigarettes in the ceiling!" That last statement wasn't said out loud, I definitely was thinking it though.

   I stopped writing last night because I passed out on my couch with a freaking adorable puppy. Now I am hiding underneath my blanket to keep me from realizing I woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon. Its still 4:30 in the morning under this blanket so I have every intention of staying under here until someone pries my dead, cold body out. Which wouldn't really be true, I would pretty much be a warm dead body since I am under a blanket. I just told my bedmate that I wasn't coming out from the blanket and he said, "Its ok, I will just kill you. They will be like 'Where's Brooke? She hasn't come out. Oh wait she never does,' so then no one will be suspicious and I will have an alliby. And then I will get rid of your body because we have dogs." To this I replied, "Just let me decompose on the bed." He said "No, on the floor." Then he left the room. But what I have to say to that is please keep the blankets over my head. I need to keep pretending it is not almost 6.

   And now it smells like a dentist office in here, and that is kind of intimidating when all you can hear is Lord of the Rings. 

   I came out of the blankets. It was getting hard to breath. Also I really need water.

Starbucks boy....

By the way me and starbucks boy never hung out. And I found out that he is friends with one of my most unfavorite people in the world who married this shitty girl because she got knocked up. She had the baby a few days ago, I hope it dies. That's mean. I hope she dies and her husband has to take care of the baby all by himself and suffer, because I strongly dislike him and his genitalia piercing wife, who is completely fucked in the head and thinks its cool to not forgive people for their mistakes.
    Starbucks boy probably doesn't understand the severity of his errors, I don't think he ever will until said female unleashes her judgemental vagina dragon to him, and then he will reconsider his thoughts and say, "I now know why Brooke called this girl a Cunt." With a capital "C" because she is still a proper noun. That's why this girl doesn't like me, because I told one person....yes 1, that she had pierced her clit, as in clitoris. If you are going to pierce something at least be open about it. Also getting knocked up and then getting married because of it might be a more obvious that you are having sex and you should probably forgive me, but that won't happen. But in all honesty, their son is probably going to run away before he turns five anyways. Anywho, I don't really care about Starbucks boy anymore. He is kind of strange. And obviously I this blog is not about him its about his stupid friends.

Curses!

My creative flow has been blocked by evil. I usually can sit down and think, "Brooke, write about this certain thing in your blog." And then I do and it turns into gold. But yesterday I have been halted. I realized people actually are reading this shit now, I feel like I have to impress ALL THE PEOPLE! So I am sitting on my twin bed, thinking about what I should write and all I can actually think is how excited I am that we are putting another bed in here! Yeah that's right, my own bed!! I can sleep by myself! As much fun as it is to have Alex as a bedmate I would rather be able to spread my long limbs and rest peacefully for 8 hours instead of what has been happening. I also have a job now. Its like the world is back to normal! GAH! I AM NOT USED TO THIS!! I just thought of three things to write about! Ok lets get started!

So I was asleep on the floor last night because my friend Liz, and Alex shared a bed, so I was on the floor. As I was unconscious I had a horrific dream. I had a dream I was pregnant. As we all know that is a level I have surpassed like almost over three years ago. Its been 3.5 years since I initially got pregnant. I am happy about this audience. Being not pregnant is AWESOME! And if you are as abstinent as I am you won't have to worry about getting back to that radiant bloated state for a while. In this dream I was oh, 3 months. Those of you who knew me three years ago would know I didn't show until I was 6 months and I didn't tell my mom until that point either. Then I exploded. The dream world told me different, that by 3 months you are a tub of baby just waiting to explode with placenta and life forms. I don't remember who knocked me up in the dream, all I remember is touching my belly and saying "Oh fuck! Again?!" Like six times. I woke up laying on my stomach and I thought, "I am hurting the baby!" So I turned over quickly and made a quick examination on if I was actually with child. GOOD NEWS! I am not :) It was all a dream and I don't have to worry about getting knocked up for another 4 years, because birth control is awesome!!

The other two things were, my bra is super squeaky! Its so fun! And then I made up a story about how one of my friends was kidnapped by a bear, a dragon and a giraffe last night while we were sitting outside my apartment smoking. Well we were actually laying on the cement trying to not laugh our asses off and everything.

Alright, I am off to fail my drug test. Peace out.

My personal quirks.

I have quirks, but first things first.

    I am sorry for writing bullshit/diarrhea (of which I cannot spell without spell check) that is lacking in substance and vocabulary. I don't know what has happened to my brain aside from the mass amounts of alcohol I have been consuming. I think that is probably the answer to all my problems. Ekoorb has also been out to play a lot more than I would like. I do this thing where I don't mix alcohol with my prescription drugs; I might be afraid of dying on the toilet like Elvis or overdosing like Jimmy Hendrix. As influential as they both were, dying from that sort of a thing makes me say, "I'll take my drugs separately, thanks." Getting "slizzard" is not as fun as the media makes it out to be. Though feeling like a G6 is still pretty fucking awesome, I don't know about you but feeling like a military jet is probably the most fun thing ever.

   Back to the point, I do some really weird things. Everyone has their OCD moments, where they have to do things in a specific order and if they don't they feel dirty and like the whole day will go awry. Like a shower regime, everyone has one! Mine goes like this: Shave, wash body, wash hair, put conditioner on my hair, wash my face and then rinse my hair and then my face. It takes me like 10 minutes to take a shower. But my quirks seem a little bit more strange than the normal humanoid.
    I hate taking a shower. I hate it. As Allie in this blog says, taking a shower is a chore for her. I feel about the same but for a different reason. For me the chore is disrobing, being cold and vulnerable, then getting warm, wet and cozy, and then being COLD, wet and vulnerable. I hate it. I hate being naked. I hate being doused frequently in water. And I HATE being cold.
   I plan stories I am going to tell my friends, and now to you guys. Ok here we go, like when I get a series of texts that I think are funny I won't read them to people, I will make it in to a full blown conversation that I can simply narrate to people instead. Or if I have to ask someone a favor or a question I will think of the best way to for the question so that I don't sound like an idiot, or that I am a total bum. Sometimes I want to seem completely desperate. When I was little I used to use logic to figure out facts (most of the time they weren't true) about dolphins, and then I would think about the best way to explain them to my mom without her knowing that I was completely bullshitting her. I would rehearse for hours in my head, just restating the made up facts. I don't actually think I got away with any of them but god bless my mother for putting up with it. I don't know why they were always about dolphins. That is some psychological garbage I don't want to look into right now. Oddly enough I have been thinking about writing about this since I was planning out a series of events to tell my friend Heidi.

    I can't hurt stuffed animals.....or pillows. My mom was a sensitive soul, and she loved dolphins.....HEY THAT'S WHY I MADE UP THOSE FACTS! So she loved dolphins and anything that had cotton in it really. When me or my other blood relatives that I call siblings got mad at each other or her she told us to hit our pillows. We were not allowed to hit each other. Well I am just as sensitive as my mom so I would NEVER hit my pillow, because my pillow was actually my mom's face. I didn't want to hit my mom's face, she was my mom and she loved me. Even if I was infuriated with her I would never punch my pillow. I reverted to cutting my hair off instead, which I'm sure made her punch her pillow. I am the youngest in my family, and my sister and I have a 6 year difference and she is the one just older than I am. Needless to say, I had no one to play with growing up. I had a select few friends but they were all weird and like playing princesses and crap like that whereas I like to play live action Poke'mon. SOOOOOO much cooler than fucking princesses. (I'm sorry Mom) I played photographer with my stuffed animals. I would set them up in families and take pictures of them. I was always the mom of my families. Which is kinda weird, I don't know what kind of man I would have to get to produce stuffed pig children. Obviously, one does not throw ones children! That is child abuse and those beautiful cotton packed pigs were my real legitimate children. In fact, my ex bought me a stuffed bunny once and I threw it because I was mad at him and immediately felt guilty and started crying because that bunny was our love child. The kissafer bunny still sleeps with me occasionally because I still feel bad.
   Letting my computer die, or my phone die, kills me inside. They do nothing but serve me all day and I just let them die. Its like if I were to ever have a slave, I could never beat them....too soon? They are just too good to me. They clean up after me, they make me food, how can you be outlandishly rude to someone who makes you FOOD!??! Seriously. Its the same with computers. Though, my phone is an absolute bitch to me! She, yes she, won't let me turn off my alarm clock, or answer my calls. And then she dies when I need her. Not cool phone. It really hurts my feelings when she does that.

   I have to chew on something at all times....that's all I have to say on that matter.

If you have any of these crazy ass quirks please let me know because I feel like I am crazy 90% of the time.

Things I am contantly reminded of.

I am forgetful. I forget pretty much everything aside from, names, faces, middle names and birthdays. Unfortunately this mean people have to remind me every now and again that I said something retarded. "Daniel, remember how you were there when I lost my virginity? You should be with me all the time!" That's something I said on Saturday. OH YEAH! Folks, I didn't die on Saturday!!! I got cut by a fence, fell out of a chair and woke up at 5 the next day. Death was not had! But yes, I forgot about that. Along with the following:

1. I am never going to own a twin sized bed again.
2. Armadillos, Hedgehogs and Giraffes are among the top greatest animals.
3. Wristcutters is a great movie.
4. That I get anxious about EVERYTHING! Which is probably why I don't go on dates.
5. Couches are too small for 2 people to sleep on.
6. I am the queen at not throwing up.
7. Armadillos are still CUTE AS BALLS! 
8. I need to get out of the house more
9. My eyesight is quickly degenerating.
10. That WoW is a lot more fun to watch than to listen to.

 All of these are based off of pure facts.

Staying up late

Never stay up late. Just don't do it!!! It never ends up the way you want it to. Remember when I tried to go down to Salem that one time from Spanish Fork and the Utah Transit Authority decided to let me miss it by mere seconds so I went home and then went over to Jess's and then got dumped that night? Yeah I sure do. K so I was at Jess's. She is awesome and stays up late. I did that. I do that a lot. I am really tired. Plus the fact that I never eat. Folks, I ate a full meal for the first time in three days because I hate making myself food. Jess and I went to Wendy's and we are both REALLY tired. First off, we're not wearing shoes and we are hungry. Within the first few minutes I said something about wanting to touch everything, then I proceeded to say that I haven't eaten in three days. Jess laughs and is reading everything out loud and laughing. You would've thought we were on meth. Really. We left and then ate outside and started rapping. I am never staying up late ever again...until the next time I stay up late.

Heido oh Heido, wherefore art thou Heido!

My tummy hurts a good amount of bad, and yet I won't do anything about it. But what I am doing about it is this: hiding under the covers. I thought I just heard Alex, I pulled off the covers really fast because I look like an idiot. Ok, so my stomach hurts because I should've listened to my mother. I should probably always listen to my mom when she says things, that's pretty hard for me to admit. But she was wrong about bladder infections. Lately I have been holding my pee in for too long. Apparently that fucks shit up and it hurts to pee, to the point where I whimper when I piddle. Its kind of awkward, even for me!
The love of my life/my best friend Heidi, was working one day and when she got a worrysome text from me saying, "I am literally pissing blood. Can you take me to the instacare in Springville?" She quickly replied with, "Are you sure its not your period?" I told her that it felt like a bearded dragon was trying to make its escape through my urethra, thus it wasn't my period.

This was before the pee blood and after the bearded dragon.

So I go to the doctor and they tell me I have to pay a co pay. I say bill that shit to my deadbeat dad, they said no you have to pay it now. I only had 7 dollars, and the co pay was 10, and Heidi had just left to go get some lunch. The stupid receptionist tells me to go stop her before she drove away. Let me reiterate what a UTI feels like, PISSING OUT A BEARDED DRAGON.

He looks happy. You don't.

You can imagine running while trying to pass a dragon through a bodily hole that extremely small, not as fun as it looks. I chase Heidi down and then I call her. She is awesome and gave me the three dollars I needed to actually see the doctor. So I go in and they tell me to pee in a cup. I obviously knew what I had to do, and I somehow managed to get the smallest amount of pee possible, so I had to try three more times, and I was crying. No I am not exaggerating even in the slightest fragment of you imagination, I was a blubbering bafoon. After I made it clear to them that there was no possible way I could get any more of the dragon out of my body, they released me from the dungeon I call a bathroom. Heidi was waiting for me and she asked me how it went, I didn't tell her I cried, there are some things that are better left unsaid. Though I did tell her the other day that I had cried from it and she said I was a retard and I should've told her. I also had to sit in the back seat of her car due to the puke that was covering the seat.
So in this story I am the princess, Heidi is the knight, her car is her steed and the bathroom is the dungeon. The dragon happened to be an infection in my urinary tract that has decided to come back with a vengence, because I am stupid and didn't take all of my pills, so now I have to drink a bunch of water or any liquid and actually tinkle out the infection. Yeah. Too much information? I don't care. Sit with it.

No more of that please.

Ugh. Too much alcohol. I only drink on weekends. But when I do I get FUCKED UP. I apologize to my mom for saying those offensive words. Not to mention I apologize for not listening to her when she said alcohol is bad for you, she is so right and so wrong.
I don't throw up when I am drunk. I throw up three days later. Or never for that matter, unless I am drinking whiskey then I puke profusely and have to go to the hospital, true story bro. I took a shot, which was stupid, of Everclear. If you don't know about how awful Everclear is then you are a smart human being. Everclear is basically 100% pure alcohol. Well not even basically, it is one hundred percent alcohol. I am getting nausiated thinking about it. The first time I drank it...well I don't remember most of that night. Might I add I drank an entire bottle to myself. Yeah that could kill you BUT I HAVE SURVIVED! I also ended up throwing up on my boyfriend at the time, its ok he is a dick.
Anyways, I took this said shot of everclear. I don't remember most of the night but I do remember winning a fight against a guy. I am quite proud of this actually. I am a pretty whimpy human being. But I didn't get my ass beat OR throw up :) good accomplishment for me if I do say so myself.
I know have an obligation to go and drink more. I really don't want to, but its my best friend's birthday and I told her I would. This may or may not be my last blog, because I might be dead tomorrow. If I am then I will say this: I love you all. The End.

ARE YOU YELLING IN YOUR BRAIN?!

So I am talking to my friend Schmall on Facebook. We have never met IRL (in real life to the lame folks out there) but we talk on the interwebs on like a daily basis, don't worry we have mutual friends that really exist. But so I am talking to him and suddenly I just start typing random word in all caps. One statement was "AND IT WILL BE MY BUM!" Then it hit me, I am constantly shouting in my head. Not only in my head, I shout on a regular basis. In fact, I have made up spelling for some of the sounds that come out of my mouth. They are all retarded. I mean that in the best way possible. The sounds I make are kind of like a deaf person talking combined with someone who has down syndrome, so its more like half retarded-half deaf.
If you really find it hard to believe, read like my first few blogs. They are mostly just shouts and sounds, put together to make a half-assed story that might either be in Farsi or English, its hard to tell. But it usually ends up sounding more like Farsi. What's weird is that I haven't shouted once in this blog. I HAVE FAILED MYSELF! There we go. I feel much more relaxed now. Its kind of like Tourette's but without the mental disability, and more awesome.

I'm moving.....AGAIN.

I am a single girl, who likes a boy, but sleeps in the same bed as her ex boyfriend, because I am homeless otherwise. We were dating, then we broke up, I had nowhere else to go so he let me stay with him. Nice guy, kinda....

So I get home on Sunday night, feeling awful. I was feeling so sick and tired that I just went straight to bed. I give props to Skyler to making it all the way to my house from Provo, which is 20 minutes away, and back home a half hour away from Provo, he is such a trooper, I kind of am idolizing him for it in fact. But I get home go to bed and stay home on Monday. Landon, the ex, comes home from hell knows what and asks me if I have found a place to live. I say yes but not until October. He then tells me I have until Friday to get all of my shit, from this house in Orem, and the other house in Spanish Fork, and myself out. Yeah....I had 3 days. Did I mention he found this out in the morning, and didn't tell me until oh, 10 p.m.?! Oh. Your. God. I was/am still pissed. Like really? As much as he wants me out, and as much as he was protecting my feelings, don't you think it would be, ya know, nice enough to tell me when I had FOUR days instead of 3?! Jesus probably hates him know because of that. *Landon I think might be gay for Jesus, just FYI. Like its bad. I get lectured about how I should love Jesus occasionally.

Luckily, I have this great friend named Alex, who is letting me live in his room with him. About 30 minutes after I heard the news I told him and he suggested that so I seized that window, obviously. I'm not retarded enough to be homeless. Funny thing is, I may have to share his bed....yeah....Another one of those awkward situations I get myself into.

I can honestly say I love my life and the crazy ass shit I put myself through. Like really, how many people do you know that sleep in the same bed as their ex? Yeah no one. You know why? Because they are ex's. These are my thoughts: "Brooke, you should sleep on the couch. Landon isn't your boyfriend anymore. And definitely DO NOT try and have sex with him!" "But Brooke, the couch is stupid and uncomfortable. And Landon is warm. Plus we have already had sex so what problem is it for one more pity sexytime?" "A lot of things. You need more morals."

I need to listen to my brain WAY more often.

No sleep til London.

To see Rou and his splendid spread. No bahhahahahaha not really. But really. But not really.
Attention ALL readers:
I have gotten no sleep, and I was drinking. End of story. This blog is about why I didn't feel like P. Diddy.


Once upon a time there was a me, or as Heidi just said a you. Me decided to go out on the town, which means drink in a house with several other underaged drinkers and a few legals. There was also this boy, the one that burned me with his cigarette, and he wanted to hang out with me. We went to Heidi's, he didn't drink and I did...a lot. Luckily I just played Mario with him and we cuddled. Then we went back to the sleeping place and made out for a little bit. Then Heidi walked in to the kitchen in her undies, and we stopped and he passed out and I tried and failed miserably at trying to sleep.

I am so sleepy! Sleepy sleep sleep!

AND I AM BACK!!!!

Fluoxitine. Yeah if you know what that is that means you are probably full of anxiety and woes, which in return means you're probably a great artist of some sort. To the rest of the world its prozac. Prozac is my antidepressant that I should be taking everyday. Guess what I haven't been doing?! Yeah. Its been about a week since I took them, turns out they actually do something.

Ok so now that I have explained that I will tell you when I don't take them I am quite similar to the late 19th century tale of like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but not in a giant scary "I am going to kill you and your 60 children" sort of a way. Its more like I turn into a 14 year old girl who is worried about fitting in at school, and yet oddly enough I was never like that when I was 14; In any case it is still strange. (Heh heh, get it!) I have decided my alter ego's name is Ekoorb (E-korb).When Brooke is stupid and doesn't take her happy pills like she should Ekoorb pops out her ugly, adolescent head. Ekoorb isn't so bad, just misunderstood. She likes to do all the same things I do. The only problem is she worries about the opposite sex. A LOT! To the point where she deleted a blog because she was afraid it was too off putting, and thought she'll never be able to date again if she wears her heart on her sleeve! Oh no what will the other kids at school say if they found out I like him! Aye! Estoy perdido!! Puta madre!! Some thoughts were even in Spanish.

If anyone doesn't know me, you should know this now, I haven't had a problem with telling boys I like them since about 5th grade, maybe 7th at most. I really don't care. I usually end up making the first move anyways because I don't care if I get rejected. If I do, its sad for a few days, I might cry and feel like a bearded witch but after that I usually end up trying again or finding someone new. Not a big deal.



I was fine today up until 10ish when Ekoorb was starting to convince me that Brooke has no friends and sucks really bad and probably smells like poop 85% of the time, but when she started talking about all that poop stuff Brooke just laughed, because poop is freaking hilarious, and invited a long lost friend Fluoxitine to come and keep Ekoorb at bay away from all the testosterone and puberty.

Ekoorb is a bitch

I also think that I was letting Ekoorb take control, thus my horrendous week of writers block. Thank the heavens, not just for 7/11, but for pharmaceutical drugs that keep our inner junior high student safe and sound our chemically unbalanced brain. Away from all the reality of how bad the whole homo saipen mating ritual really is, oh and just life in general.

I still have this problem

The problem: Writer's block. The other problem: Not being able to flirt.

Writer's block is something I have never experienced in my life before the last few days. Secretly I am hilarious, and I can always think of something to say as long as it is not about asking to borrow a car. That was my problem today HARDCORE. But that has nothing to do with the fact that I HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO WRITE ABOUT!! Currently I am watching a musical, talking to one of my oldest friends, and facebooking. I have moved about a quarter inch ALL today. All I need to do is just relax and think about how awesome and funny life is, but honestly, I am far too freaking bored.

    Oh and I think my mom is reading my blog thus is why I haven't included the "F" word anywhere in this blog. It was a hilarious facebook message from my mother actually, she told me to stop being a shit mouth. So I am listening to my mom.


Flirting. It just is not a strong point in my life. I am really awkward in bad at it! Though my dear friend Peter has helped me conquer some of that hurdle.

Anyways, I am bored. I am going to go outside and smoke and watch Archer. Good night, and good luck!

And then I had writer's block.

Comments. I need you to leave me a comment on what I should write about. I may pick only one but I may pick more than one.

I LIED!

Not cute.

I said on facebook that the next post would be my life story, well its not. I am still working on that one though.






This post is about these glasses.
You see, I took my other cute glasses of a few days ago and misplaced them. They look like this.

Kinda actually cute.

I am as blind as a bat without some sort of sight aid. Even right now I am squinting at the computer screen that is abnormally close to my face.
So I put on Landon's GIGANTIC glasses and they work perfect. I can see the world and all its beauty with them on. Well I look like a handicapped hipster....literally. I only got a half hour of sleep last night so I was acting like my brain wasn't fully developed thus me acting like a retard.
I thought I would've found them by now, but I haven't. 

I told my friend Shae that she could use me as to practice how to put in an IV or give people shots. So by the end of the day, I was wearing huge military grade glasses and I have needle tracks.

If there are any mentally disabled heroin addicts out there, I have joined your club.

Invisiblity Cloak Flaw.

Harry Potter is FLAWED! Well the movies at least. You never actually see the Invisibility Cloak. How would you be able to see it. EVER. In the books its Red and Sliver, but that doesn't really work either. If it is folded then its turning itself invisible. Thus you would never know where it is EVER. GAH! Frustrated.

I am no longer alone.

New thundercats series while drinking a 52 oz. pepsi. I am happy that I have company again. I also have cigarettes!!! WOO!!

Explanation of last post.

To those who don't know, Landon and I were dating and I decided to move in with him. And then a couple days ago we broke up. Now we just live together and sleep in the same bed, and walk around in our underwear. So basically we're still dating but without the title, and I will have no problem making out with Starbucks boy when the opportunity arises.

Ex boyfriend.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TRAVEL FASTER!! You have been gone for only 48 hours, but I just got a text from you that said you are on your way home. Can I just tell you how excited I am?!?! Please bring me my Pepsi, cigarettes, kitty and mansion. I knew I loved you for a reason, and its not just the "you're buying me some stuff part", its the "Holy shit I am so excited to see you that I am actually cooking dinner for you, and I washed the dishes." I even put on deodorant just so you couldn't smell me when you arrived. You should never go to drill again, but if you do PLEASE LEAVE ME YOUR CAR!!!!! I could've gone to see starbucks boy last night, but I was immobile. You just texted me back saying that you were happy to come home to a spaztic Brooke, or as I call myself in my head, Ekoorb. Landon, I am glad we still live together even though we broke up 5 days ago. I like it because we still are really awesome friends. I will see you in about 45 minutes so I am going to start cooking you dinner and put on make up so MAYBE I can get lucky with you tonight, seeing as we still sleep in the same bed. And who doesn't want sex?!


*Readers you have to read this post at a million miles per hour because that is how I am saying it in my head!!!!!

Dear cute boy at Starbucks three days ago...

...your name is Nicholas and you live in Orem, and you are just barely older than me and you like to read and write and I gave you a cigarette. We're officially friends on facebook so that means I can be creepy about it. You wrote me this morning but I was in a coma from doing stupid things, and didn't get it til about 3 hours later. Cute boy please write me back so I feel less lame. I really would like to make out with you at least twice. Your mouth should be on mine, its just the way its got to be....because I am awesome.

Hoping to hear from you tonight,
Brooke


Also other readers, which is probably only peter (if you are not peter then please write me a comment and prove me wrong), I was reading Hyperbole and a half today and I found out she writes several blogs in one day thus making me feel justified for writing two. She also writes in letter form a lot and its funny.

But what I really care about is hopefully seeing cute starbucks boy again soon....like tonight or tomorrow.

Dear Boys in the Utah Valley...

You are all either:
1. Not my type.
2. Not fun to be with
3. Married
4. Someone I have already dated
or
5. Someone I have already kissed.

This is my declaration of getting a new set of males in Utah Valley, and to bring Peter back. See world, you have taken a sweet loving 6 foot tall Asian away from us. We love him dearly, but he is in Washington now and that's a full fun-packed 12+ hours away from my humble Spanish Fork home, where I am currently sitting on my ass doing nothing but eating rice and farting under this blanket, which is probably a reason why I don't have a significant other, or friends that live near me.

This is where the ADD kicks in.

I look a lot like Tina Fey. I act a lot like Liz Lemon, I know because I watch 30 rock religiously. I can't decide if I like this fact or not. Either I am a 40 year old woman with an obsession with cheese and can't date normal men, except one that is now married OR a 40 year old woman who is sad, lonely and HILARIOUS! Seriously though, I really can't decided if these are good options or bad ones. I think I need to reevaluate my life if I ever want to be date worthy again....but that is so much effort!!!
Also Peter looks like Alec Baldwin so if you bring peter back that means I could very likely be back into the dating scene. He is my mentor and all.

DUH....

.....BUH...... That's all I have to say.

Spanish Fork, Utah is ruining lives.

I have a friend, her name is Jessica. I love her dearly and miss her crazy antics. Everyday my heart grows more and more sorrowful everyday that I cannot see her. What really sucks is that we live, oh maybe, 15 minutes away if you want to take the slowest/longest road in America, Spanish Fork Main St. So she texts me today saying she feels kinda sick and that I should probably come over tonight. Note as aforementioned I haven't left my house since Saturday night, so I am DYING to leave my house. I tell her that I will be there soon and head for the bus stop. As soon as I get to cross the street, with the stop in my eyesight, that stupid mother fucking bus comes and goes. I just stopped walking for a minute because I was mad. But I pick up my feet and walk to the bus stop anyways because there might be another one in the next half an hour. I go and check and there isn't one until 9:30, an hour and a half later. So I got really mad and told Jess that I couldn't come over, and then I decided to explain how Spanish Fork can suck my balls and need to be a real metropolitan city instead of a fucking cow town. So I have written this letter in hopes that this town will take it to heart.

Dear Spanish Fork,
I know we haven't been together for very long but I miss my friend and I would like to go and see her, and you won't allow me to. This frustrates me dearly. You forced me to put pants on and walk a third of a mile in hopes of seeing her and then squashed that hope and innermost desire. Thank you. I suggest that you improve your attitude toward me or else this relationship will have to end abruptly.
Hoping to go all the way with you,
Brooke Hemsath

Pants are lame.

Huey Lewis and the News once said,"Its hip to be square."

THEY LIED!

Everyone knows that being hip isn't in fact hip. Take the "indie" crowd for instance, they have been wearing plaid since before lesbians. News flash, no one care WHO or WHAT you are wearing. You see I just don't wear clothes. I mean I wear my undies and a shirt on most occasions, the occasions I am not means I am in the shower. But we all know who the real culprit is....PANTS!!!! No one should wear pants ever. I hate them so much that even right now I am sitting on my couch with everything else on besides my pantaloons. Everyone who enjoys pants should be shot down like a overly confident nerd.

   So in sumation, its really square to be hip. Maybe we need to go back  to the 80s and send everyone to boot camp where you don't need diener hosen, you just need BALLS of STEEL!!

So I woke up feeling like P diddy.

I read blogs. Not just one, but like, 3 or 4 really funny blogs about how we all suck at life. Tragically enough I want to do the same. I, honest to god, think that my head is one of the most awful places to be because, well, I am random as shit. I do a lot of things everyone else does but I actually admit MOST of those things. Such as today, I am 20 and I built a fort with my best friend who is 21, meanwhile we took shots of Sailor Jerry and I ate one cream cheese tube while she was here. I proceeded to eat 2 more after she was gone. I am an average sized girl, meaning I weigh 135 and am 5'6", but I am a human garbage disposal. I can eat so much more than would be expected for someone my size.
    So I woke up the other day, after about 4 hours of drinking and taking care of barfing young adults, and I said to myself, "If this is what P Diddy feels like, then he must wake up with a hangover the size of Asia on a regular basis." Which then led me to remember the previous night. I'll explain what my usual night consists of: Facebook, Zelda or any video game, and large portions of food. Saturday night consisted of the following: saving my name as "Girl I want to do" in a boy's phone, having my tank top pulled off by this boy in front of all my friends (which isn't really that weird with my group), telling half my friends I would like to be a homewrecker, taking care of someone who was black out drunk, and then eventually falling asleep after being burned by a cigarette. Needless to say, I haven't left my house since then and why I felt like P Diddy. Only Ke$ha would enjoy singing a song about being so hungover you want to die. So after I pondered these things I fell asleep for three more hours and then went to bed at 9:30 at night.

Thank you Skyler for the burn.

   I lead one of the most interesting lives ever. I wouldn't change a single thing.