I needed a Scott tonight....

I went to a costume party with a friend tonight, I dressed up as Ramona Flowers, and he was in a toga. Everything was going fine until Freddy Kruger sat next to me. Mind you, I was wearing shorts, pink tights, a tank top and a light jacket, nursing a weak rum and Coke combination. There was not a whole lot to protect myself with, and I was getting uncomfortable at all the weird compliments he was tossing at me, that I was simply not having. I went outside for a cigarette with my toga'd friend and we laughed and lamented about life, just as I was feeling comfortable again Freddy comes outside, more drunk than before, in attempt to sit next to me. Luckily, drunk girl number 1 had my back and sat next to me first and laid her legs down next to her. At that exact moment drunk lesbian fell down some stairs, and I used this as a diversion to get away and get away fast. I rushed back downstairs to find Tarzan, toga friend, and he protected me for the next few minutes. Tarzan decided he needed to pee so I was left alone on the couch. Drunk Freddy stumbled his way from upstairs and outside all the way back down to me and we had the following conversation:

"You're name is Brooke right?"
"Yes, that does happen to be my name."
"You are like beautiful."
"Thank you, that is very nice of you to say."
"We should do dirty things. Or like, fuck."
"No thank you. You are welcome to do them by yourself though."
"You are so beautiful."
"....Thanks...my boyfriend thinks so too."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah I sure do."
"We should fuck."
"I have a boyfriend, remember how I said that earlier?"
"You are the most beautiful girl ever."
"You have said that quite a few times, I am not going to have sex with you."
"We should fuck."
"I think I will fuck my boyfriend now."

This was only 1/4 of the conversation, and the other 3/4 were just the same things over and over again, until I just got up and went pee for 10 minutes. I, also, don't actually have a boyfriend but I was PRAYING someone would come sweep me off my feet and save me, because I was going to get raped and murdered by Freddy Kruger, and while I was awake! THAT IS NOT HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! After a few short minutes Tarzan and I decided to GTFO and I couldn't have been more pleased. I arrived home and immediately confided in my bed and the internet to take away my fear of drunken 32 year old men. But I guess he'll probably come back while I dream since he is Freddy Kruger....shit. At least he said I was beautiful 5 million times.

EKOORB STRIKES AGAIN!

    Over the last 4 days I have been laying in bed, drugged up on a little lady called Nyquil because I can't seem to swallow anything, and my tonsils are the size of half dollar coins and I had a 100 degree fever. On Tuesday, I was just being lazy and said I don't want to get out of bed, then by that evening at around 10:00 I was struck with karma...nausea, headache, sore throat, runny nose, and eye crusties were EVERYWHERE! ALL OF THE EYE CRUSTIES!! I was in a lot of pain needless to say. I slept on the bathroom floor for the majority of that night because I was certain I was going to vomit. Guess what? I did. Mass amounts of mucous and I am pretty sure half a bottle of Nyquil. Pretty attractive right? Maybe that is why I am still single, or maybe it is the eye crusties and the refusal to stop picking my nose...either way I am an unattractive ball of woman that no one wants to deal with, and that is alright. So I throw up, and fell asleep on the floor for another hour, 1. because it is comfortable and 2. because the tile was cold and my nervous system was about to get cooked. I woke up and moved onto my empty bed. I looked like Michael J. Fox because I was shaking so hard. I laid down and closed my eye for thirty seconds and was asleep for the next three hours, when I woke up to me being in a puddle of my own sweat. Good news, I sweat out my fever. Bad news, I was covered in sweat.

    So there is this drug out there called Ecstasy. X, E, or Roll as some may call it but Ecstasy all the same. How this little drug works is it boosts your fever up but without the how sick part. Well when your fever is high, your senses are intensified, everything seems much more blatant than before. So I am running a 100 degree fever and I decide to go to Wal-Mart with Griffin Heart. She shows me a blanket that is super soft, I go to pet it....I don't stop petting it. I said this very thing in the middle of Wally World, "This is like being on Ecstasy but legal!" That blanket was so damn fuzzy and I was going to keep touching it until I was that fuzzy. That dream did not come true and then I slept on a bathroom floor, funny how drugs and illnesses end up the same way sometimes. 

    That's the end of my sickness story, I haven't taken my anti depressants in a few days since I don't like to mix incompatible substances together. Ekoorb has been bug-a-luggin to come out and make me out to be a 14 year old again. Dayyyyyum gurl, you get cho lil latina ass back in that chemic'lly u'balanced head of yo's nigga. PROZAC, COME SAVE MY BRAIN FROM SHITTY MUSIC AND HORMONES!!! Oh, also spat on myself in my sleep today. I had a dream that I was smoking, I went to spit and then realized I actually spit on my arm :) GENIUS!

Guide to a drunken Minor.

So as you can tell, I drink...and I drink a lot. The longest I have been sober was 2 weeks in the middle of April because I was too depressed to do anything else besides make money and order large stuffed crust pizzas to eat by myself while I wept from loneliness and played Zelda, since Link was the only man who satisfied me, sexually and mentally. Creepy right? Anyways, I drink on the weekends to protect myself from being a complete alcoholic and because what kind of person drinks in the middle of the week alone? Unhappy married people, rapists and baby killers that's who. But everyone has stages of drunkenness, I have about 4, and I even have pictures to go alone with the layers of drunkenness.

Pretty normal face for me.

First Step: Tipsy
Tipsy Brooke is a normal Brooke, just a little bit less awkward. I am more willing to jump into a conversation, or play a drinking game. This state doesn't last long, for there is more alcohol to be had. Things I have said in this state are, "But cats are animals guys!" And yes, cats most definitely are animals.




Second Step: Low Level Drunk

Not so sober

At this state, our test subject Brooke, will take off her shirt because it is too damn hot to wear one while you are playing pool. This is a good level to be at if you want to go home and not wake anyone up, or if you want to refrain from random outbursts of tears, that of which happens A LOT when I am alone and drunk. Good things I have said,"I feel like you are a faggot if you call me a dainty kisser." I really don't feel dainty when I kiss but I guess its possible.

This might actually be pretty.

Third Step: High Level Drunk:
This phase is the level where I have started smoking other people's cigarettes and I am no longer wearing pants because who needs pants?! I will also start to refuse taking shots at this point because I do not want the next phase to happen. Kissing random people and not comprehending people are also symptoms that I might be highly intoxicated. I have no good quotes from me being drunk at this phase, its all pretty much just me laughing and saying how warm I am with pants on, but I will give you one anyways," If I am ever single again....Man that boy is in troublllllllllle."

I...yeah....no comment

Fourth Step: Blackout
I apparently seduce people into having sex on front lawns, which sadly enough has happened once and possibly another time as well, so yeah twice...I don't get what is so attractive about lawn sex since I am really allergic to grass. This is the blackout phase that I almost never get to because I don't like not knowing what happened from point A to whatever point I might be at in the morning. I have only been here 4 times. I don't enjoy it at all, though its kinda fun to find clues as to what happened that previous night.


So there you have it, a guide to a drunk Brooke, I suck at closing statements so this is the end of the blog. Haters gonna hate!

Awesome.

Remembering Sunday...not.

There is a list of things I will never do again:
1. Mix alcohol and pills.
2. Text people while I am on my sleeping meds, though some funny shit gets said.
3. Get blackout drunk.

I learned this last one the hard way, meaning I don't remember anything from Friday night and I have a lot of bruises EVERYWHERE, so that leads me to believe that I either fell a LOT, probably more than I should've, or was beaten and raped. Moral of this story, never make a pact with someone to get blackout drunk, because it WILL happen, and you WILL be curious why you have bruises and how you woke up with no pants on.

There is this old saying about me that I won't speak of but I found out that it is kinda true, for that I will apologize to two people, Kyle and Chris, because they suffered the wrath of this personality trait like NONE OTHER. No one should have to suffer through it, yet I keep living up to this expectation. If you text me I might tell you what this thing is but there is no need to publicly announce it to the 20 people who read my blog. Sorry folks! You can ask Kyle or Chris and I am sure they will tell you.

Also, I win....at like the majority of my life. Justsayin'.


Watch this: Hella awesome

This is my liiiiiiiiiiife....I fell asleep with the lights on.

Hello, my name is Brooke and I have the mentality of a 14 year old. That being said, I drove around town with my accomplice we will call Griffin Heart. Griffin Heart and I, Heimstadt assassin, decided to have a night on the town. This is the epic tale of Griffin Heart and Heimstadt Assassin.

On a dark and cloudy night,that wasn't really cloudy, in Orem/Provo, UT, 2 girls were drinking alcohol, and then became struck with boredom. So they set off on an adventure in hopes to be entertained. They drove around for a good hour before deciding that pumpkins needed to be stolen. So they went to McDonald's and rounded up their trash, and set off to the pumpkin patch. Little did they know there was an obstacle in the way, a steep ditch. Griffin Heart sprinted off into the night and fell straight into the weedy ditch. Heimstadt Assassin witnessed the clumsy fall and avoided falling.
   Shortly after, the deed was done and pumpkins were being held hostage, Griffin Heart was aware that the ditch was there but happened to fall down in it again. Heimstadt Assassin simply said,"I am going to pee," due to laughing so hard. Griffin Heart replied,"I already did." As we continued our adventure one of the pumpkins was taken as a casualty and smashed all over a young fellow's yard. They once again peed their pants.

Long story short, Jordan and I stole pumpkins, she fell in a ditch twice, she then peed her pants from laughing and then we smashed one of the pumpkins on someone's driveway and peed ourselves laughing again. I feel like I pee from laughing far too often, especially since I am 20.....oh well.

Oh Michael....

I am sick of moving. Since June I have moved five times...yeah fucking fun. I just moved into my new new new new new house in Orem where I will only be staying temporarily until I can afford a car and rent. I dislike moving. Good news is I have a bigger bed, that I still share but its bigger than a twin!

I was thinking today everyone I have ever asked on a date has never followed through. 3 years ago right before I met my "big ex" I was set up on a date with this kid named Mike. We didn't end up going on a date for some reason and I was slightly butt hurt. So three years later I get asked to be in a short film by my friend Allen and his friend Josh. So I go and film the first day and the director introduced himself as Mike. I, then realized that this Mike character was THE Mike, and that he was attractive. Obviously, I got his number because for one, he was the director of my movie and for two he was hot. I asked him to hang out a couple times while we were filming and he obliged and everything we just never got around to it. Still. We are good friends now though, but I no longer have a huge crush on him. I have moved to bigger and better things, just kidding, I love Mike he is a cool cat.

This is the thing

I took my Adderall today guys! Its been at least 2 months since I took it and I am tweaking a bit. Like I keep licking my lips and picking at my fingernails, where the nail bed meets the hyponichium, in Leyman's terms where you get dirt. For some reason all I want to listen to Taking Back Sunday.
   While I was drving Alex's car today and smoking my first cigarette in 2.5 days (yeah I am awesome) I was thinking about people who inspire me and stuffs and I decided that would be my topic for the day. All of them are teachers because I loved school. 
   Mr. Byington was my ninth grade English teacher and he was awesome. I didn't want to take his class at first because he scared me. Anyone who wears plaid shirts everyday is intimidating, just saying! So obviously I went to go change my teacher to an older woman who was a riot, but the request was denied because I am pretty sure my reasoning for it was that he wore plaid shirts everyday and that it scared me. So the first day of class I sat in the back because I was a hard ass emo kid and I was afraid of plaid wearing teachers. He hands out the disclosure document that I never turned in and started telling the class about what we would be learning in the school year. He then proceeded to tell us that Edgar Allan Poe was a genius and that he hated the kids that had their parents try and boost their grade up by talk about how much money they had or that their father was a clergyman of a certain religion. After that class period I knew I would have a role model. At this point I didn't think was I was smart, I couldn't read very fast and my grades were atrocious, but in class I was always raising my hand to answer questions with serious depth behind it. We had to assess ourselves for parent teacher conference and I said I raised my hand too much and he put on the paper, verbatum,"Don't stop sharing, the other kids look up to you because you have a mind of your own. Your inferences are extremely intelligent." He encouraged me to read ahead of the class. He also said I was one of the only kids that enjoyed Shakespeare, which is no longer true. I hate reading Shakespeare. Oh he also cussed out students a lot and poured water all over one kid for falling asleep. It was hilarious!

Mr. Johanson was my ninth grade Earth Systems teacher, I now call him Will because he adopted my daughter. As you can pretty much tell we were really close. He is a role model because he is an awesome parent to Piper, and he was an awesome teacher to me. I vividly recall him telling me I reminded him of the girl on the breakfast club because I was emo for one thing, but because I was socially awkward but I didn't give a fuck who you were I would talk to you. He also helped me cheat my way up to a C in his class, he knew I tried hard and that I did the work but I had a problem with turning stuff in. He told his wife a few years later that if any of his students were to get pregnant and place the baby for adoption, the only person he would accept it from was me. He was honestly one of my best friends in junior high. When my boyfriend broke up with me I punched a locker, dented it, and he witnessed the whole thing and all he did was give me a look of, "Holy shit calm down," and walked away. I don't think he'll ever understand how cool he was to me and how eternally grateful I am that Piper has him for a dad instead of Justin.

Miss Kingman taught me how to love classical music and opera and still enjoy hard rock. She was so jealous because I saw Depeche Mode, which was her favorite band. She also taught me how to use my voice and not be afraid to get up and sing in front of people.

My last inspiration  is Mrs.Drakulich, my tenth grade honors English teacher. Yeah, honors. I am a nerd. I hate this woman more than anything else in this world. She might possibly be the worst teacher I have ever had in my entire life and I will tell you why. So, we're reading Macbeth for class and she asks a question on how to infer a passage, so I raise my hand and answer the question. She looks at me and tells me I am wrong and that I was stupid for inferring Shakespeare that way. I did what any other kid wouldn't have done, I stood up and said very calmly,"Mrs. Drakulich, you are a bitch." Then I walked out of class and I never went back. Now you might be wondering why she inspires me. Well, she taught me that when I become a teacher I will do everything in my power to not have a stick up my ass like she did.

Well i am done writing. Good weather and books are calling my name!

Ew.

I just wrote the shittiest/best poem/letter ever for my other blog....I am either really happy with it or really disappointed in it. I can't tell.

Dear lord....

Trying to find things to write blogs about it hard. I looked on google for like writing challenges and I found a few I want to do. The first few days are like write a letter to your best friend, crush, parent, role model and things like that. Well I decided the things I wrote about to people like that are way too private and not funny at all. I, very obviously, wear my heart on my sleeve but there are things that I keep to myself....sometimes. I mean I am not going to be like,"Hey I think you're hot and I want to put my mouth on your mouth." Or "I think your baby is ugly." Though, I have said those things before openly and while still sober, and that dear friends and strangers is why I am awesome. Side note, at least 3 times while I have been writing this I have stopped writing mid-word and added a period. Example, I wrote awesome up there and at first I wrote awes. With the period and everything because as much as I am awesome I am equally retarded. And I only wrote half of retarded and added a period....GAH! Anywho, I wear my emotions on my sleeve most of the time, but when it comes to telling people how I feel, especially if its dealing with confrontation, I keep my shapely lips shut. The things it tells me to write about I decided to completely honest with myself so that's why its not on this here blog. I am going through with the challenge though its just on my other blog that I use as my journalish stuff. Though if you ask nicely I will probably let you read my brain diarrhea, I call it that because its shitty AND because I can't stop it. I am on day two right meow and I am going to write that after I write this probs, but the more time goes on I don't want to write about what its telling me to.

On a better note I am going to read a book now. And I have to move again. I am going to go read. Peace, Love and Jesus Christ everyone.

Scary movies....

....are awesome, except when I am afraid to take a shower or pee alone. Seriously. It always starts as something fun, like," Oh! Friends! I have a good idea, lets all watch a scary movie!" Then it turns into having a bunch of people huddled under one blanket because we all think the thin piece of fabric will keep us safe from any possible form of harm including: Satan, ghosts, Aliens, any form of creature and the dark. Its completely illogical but the blanket is like a bomb shelter, nothing can penetrate the titanium threading of a snugly blanket. When I decided to make stupid choices such as watching Ghost Adventures by me lonesome in the dark, I used to end up holding my cat so tight that she couldn't breathe.
What compels us to want to shit our pants out of fear? That's kind of a funny thing to think about. I know plenty of people who don't enjoy watching scary movies or reading scary stories, but I love all of those things. Being scared is one of my favorite things ever! I don't enjoy scaring people though. Not a fan of that at all.

I successfully got drunk and didn't do anything stupid. I was quite proud when I woke up and didn't feel like an idiot. I did sleep most of the day though, but who really cares?! The only really dumb part of the evening was trying to explain to someone about how I don't really believe in love but I am hopeless romantic so I actually do believe in love and soul mates and all that bull shit. Mostly, it just ended with both of us being confused and stuff.

Lately I have been cursed with Writer's Block because I have finished reading two blogs. I don't have anymore to read!!! I could read a book but I don't want to at the moment. If you know any good blogs that are funny PLEASE TELL ME!

Drunk blogging.

I drank at a bar today. You might be thinking,"Brooke, you are lying because you aren't 21!" On the contrary my dear friends; I went to a bar in Spanish Fork A.K.A. The devil's city. Might I point out that it wasn't hard at all for me to obtain alcohol? First off, they didn't card at the door. Secondly, I just had someone who was over 21 bring me drinks. I have the best friends ever. I was thinking to myself I won't get super drunk because the last time I did I made an ass of myself and stuff that I am embarrassed about because there was a cute boy involved that had to take care of my stupid shit, and for that, cute boy who will remain nameless but he knows who he is, I apologize. I don't mind watching you throw up or giving you water but I care when I say really stupid things that aren't in my personality and I was trying to impress the wrong set of people. Anywho, I drank two AMF's and I am hardly buzzed. In fact, I could drive a car right now and it would be legal. Which means I am fucking AWESOME! I got to drink in public and got away with it! I might be one of the coolest/lamest people in the world right now, but seeing as I have been drinking all I want to do is cuddle. Cuddling while drunk is one of the best things in the world. Though when I do get to cuddle I end up waking up before them and start doing stuff. Ask said 'Cute Boy Who Will Remain Nameless' he knows because I have done it to him like 2 or 3 times. So I am tired and I am going to sleep.

Self Discovery

I found out today I am a hopeless romantic...which is kinda shitty because it uses the word "hopeless". I was using this wonderful site called Stumbleupon and I got a page full of quotes of all categories. I read a few about how love isn't lost and love is hard to find but worth it in the end and all those cliche, cheesy things smart people say and I found myself agreeing with most of them. Now, I am what you consider a skeptic. I have started to not believe in love or "happily ever after" for myself or anyone in general. I strictly believe in science when it comes to this new grotesque invention called love. The Honeymoon Stage only lasts about 6 months and then commitment kicks in, and commitment scares people. When I started reading those quotes I realized that I really do want to be swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor. Or that I will wake up next to the person I am committed to in the morning and smile, sometimes I smile in my sleep about it but that is dreaming, and dreaming makes everyone smile! But mostly its sex. I was talking to my mom the other day and she was giving me the six millionth sex talk I have received since I was 15 and it kicked in that spending time, laughing and bonding about stupid things is all you really need. Cuddles and kissing is among the top most intimate things ever. I mean everyone likes sex but why not just put off til tomorrow and learn to trust and feel committed to the other person instead of just saying,"Here's my vagina. Do what you please."

In less cheesy, warm and cuddle-filled news, I got my groove back. Who would've guessed that all it takes was actually putting make up on and taking a shower. I never say shit like this but holy balls I looked CUTE today, and guess who say me?! No one....except one of the vagrants at my house....oh and a puppy! The puppy doesn't count though because he is cuter than me. Confidence is such a weird thing. The only bad thing about it is that other people do lack it, and then they say stupid shit like, "I'm ugly! No one likes me because I am fat!" No, no one likes you because you smell like tuna and put out WAY too much. Been there, done that, it wasn't a fun journey...though it does make for some awesome stories!

I also have almost completed my Halloween costume. AND I saw Avenged Sevenfold last night. I have loved them since 9th grade and wanted to see them, I FINALLY DID! I was going completely bat shit insane with excitement. I also have this hidden talent where I can scream, like the cool kind of screaming and I was doing it and I accidentally screamed in someone's ear and they just looked at me and yelled back like it was going to stop me. I squinted my eyes and in my brain all I though was,"Challenge Accepted." Seriously, its Avenged Sevenfold! And its not like we could hear at the end of the night anyways what with being right next to a speaker. I am still hearing a high pitched tone. I LOVE IT! M. Shadows was even hotter IRL than I would've thought. Soooo many happy jizz-worthy moments were had.

Pregnant women.

Folks, I have nothing against getting married and having kids. I have no problem with not getting married and just getting knocked up. That happened to me when I was 16 and I have the world's coolest almost 3 year old that I legally have no obligations to. Meaning, I get to see my child, and I love her and she loves me but I am SUPER happy I don't have to teach her how to poop in a toilet, or wipe the poop for that matter. Kids are great but I am not ready for a screaming, kicking sack of meat and skin that poops and draws on walls. The only problem I have with these children is their mothers. I hate pregnant women. I hate them. I don't care if you put your ultrasound pictures up or belly pictures, that is fine and I wish I would've documented my pregnancy but mostly me being pregnant looked like this.

Reason it wasn't documented.

That guy right there is not my baby daddy. But anyways, what I hate is when these girls are like,"I can't wait to meet this sweet angel." Holy shit its a baby, when you are pushing that "sweet angel" out you will totally change your mind. When there is a 6 - 9 lbs. being forced out of your body BY your body, you are not calling this baby an angel, more like a road block into being comfortable. Plus then you go into shock right after this muscle and bone burrito has been passed. Don't get me wrong, I cried when I had my baby, I was very happy and I love her more than I could love anyone, but 28 hours of labor, and hunger and thirst makes you a little bit testy. I remember having a contraction so painful I was writhing, all I said was this ,"GTFO BABY!" I was not happy about being in pain. One reason that I was even angrier was because I only got to keep her for 48 hours and my ex boyfriend/baby daddy was being a dick. If you are confused, I placed my baby for adoption.

She's pretty cool.

Back to my original point, when they say I can't wait to meet them, even though you have been pregnant for almost 9 months. Ok, to the males who read this, its ok if you don't understand and if you say that you are excited to meet your infant. But us females, we know the personality of our fetus by the time they start kicking. Take Piper for instance, she would stick all four of her limbs out and you could see them stick out. As soon as I pushed them back in she would push back that much harder! She is the same way now, she is a smart ass. One time I told her not to color on a certain page because I wanted to color that page. She then looked at me like I was stupid and said,"Mommy Brooke, you are weird for wanting to color that page." I just looked at her like she was stupid and said," You're weird!" Yes, I called my daughter weird. The point is that when she stuck her arms and legs out when she was a fetus she would've said something like,"Nigga! Quit pushing my arms and legs back in!" Thus meaning I have known her personality since before she was considered a human. Mostly, its one girl in particular that I just want to hit.

Plan of evil.

I have decided how to get everyone I know to read my blog. Aside from driving people up a fucking wall about it I will also do the following. Say my best friend Heidi asks me to hang out with her, (this is really quite farfetched for heidi in complete honesty. She never asks me to hang out with her.) I oblige and she asks me when I would like her to come pick me up from my humble home full of vagrants. All I say back to her is read my blog if you want to know the answer. So she reads my blog and it has the answer, I would like to hang out with her at around 8 o'clock since that is when she gets off work that day. Then she sees things like how I haven't done my laundry or how I don't eat and she comes over even faster because now she is trying to makes wash my underwear or she yells at me for not eating, which by the way I do, I eat a lot in fact. I find no flaws to this plan. Say a cute person asks me for my number, I hand him a paper that has this page's URL on it! Then I will tell him that he has to answer questions about things he read in my blog. I will win the universe! I will have it all!!

Also I am going to be Ramona Flowers for halloween. I might look way cooler than you because I am ACTUALLY going to dye my hair pink for the festivities. Yeah....PINK! I think blue and green look atrocious on my so pink it is! I need help with the outfit though. Do me a solid, watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and tell me which outfit of Ramona's you like the best! Majority rules. Let the games BEGIN!