I LIED!

Not cute.

I said on facebook that the next post would be my life story, well its not. I am still working on that one though.






This post is about these glasses.
You see, I took my other cute glasses of a few days ago and misplaced them. They look like this.

Kinda actually cute.

I am as blind as a bat without some sort of sight aid. Even right now I am squinting at the computer screen that is abnormally close to my face.
So I put on Landon's GIGANTIC glasses and they work perfect. I can see the world and all its beauty with them on. Well I look like a handicapped hipster....literally. I only got a half hour of sleep last night so I was acting like my brain wasn't fully developed thus me acting like a retard.
I thought I would've found them by now, but I haven't. 

I told my friend Shae that she could use me as to practice how to put in an IV or give people shots. So by the end of the day, I was wearing huge military grade glasses and I have needle tracks.

If there are any mentally disabled heroin addicts out there, I have joined your club.

Invisiblity Cloak Flaw.

Harry Potter is FLAWED! Well the movies at least. You never actually see the Invisibility Cloak. How would you be able to see it. EVER. In the books its Red and Sliver, but that doesn't really work either. If it is folded then its turning itself invisible. Thus you would never know where it is EVER. GAH! Frustrated.

I am no longer alone.

New thundercats series while drinking a 52 oz. pepsi. I am happy that I have company again. I also have cigarettes!!! WOO!!

Explanation of last post.

To those who don't know, Landon and I were dating and I decided to move in with him. And then a couple days ago we broke up. Now we just live together and sleep in the same bed, and walk around in our underwear. So basically we're still dating but without the title, and I will have no problem making out with Starbucks boy when the opportunity arises.

Ex boyfriend.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TRAVEL FASTER!! You have been gone for only 48 hours, but I just got a text from you that said you are on your way home. Can I just tell you how excited I am?!?! Please bring me my Pepsi, cigarettes, kitty and mansion. I knew I loved you for a reason, and its not just the "you're buying me some stuff part", its the "Holy shit I am so excited to see you that I am actually cooking dinner for you, and I washed the dishes." I even put on deodorant just so you couldn't smell me when you arrived. You should never go to drill again, but if you do PLEASE LEAVE ME YOUR CAR!!!!! I could've gone to see starbucks boy last night, but I was immobile. You just texted me back saying that you were happy to come home to a spaztic Brooke, or as I call myself in my head, Ekoorb. Landon, I am glad we still live together even though we broke up 5 days ago. I like it because we still are really awesome friends. I will see you in about 45 minutes so I am going to start cooking you dinner and put on make up so MAYBE I can get lucky with you tonight, seeing as we still sleep in the same bed. And who doesn't want sex?!


*Readers you have to read this post at a million miles per hour because that is how I am saying it in my head!!!!!

Dear cute boy at Starbucks three days ago...

...your name is Nicholas and you live in Orem, and you are just barely older than me and you like to read and write and I gave you a cigarette. We're officially friends on facebook so that means I can be creepy about it. You wrote me this morning but I was in a coma from doing stupid things, and didn't get it til about 3 hours later. Cute boy please write me back so I feel less lame. I really would like to make out with you at least twice. Your mouth should be on mine, its just the way its got to be....because I am awesome.

Hoping to hear from you tonight,
Brooke


Also other readers, which is probably only peter (if you are not peter then please write me a comment and prove me wrong), I was reading Hyperbole and a half today and I found out she writes several blogs in one day thus making me feel justified for writing two. She also writes in letter form a lot and its funny.

But what I really care about is hopefully seeing cute starbucks boy again soon....like tonight or tomorrow.

Dear Boys in the Utah Valley...

You are all either:
1. Not my type.
2. Not fun to be with
3. Married
4. Someone I have already dated
or
5. Someone I have already kissed.

This is my declaration of getting a new set of males in Utah Valley, and to bring Peter back. See world, you have taken a sweet loving 6 foot tall Asian away from us. We love him dearly, but he is in Washington now and that's a full fun-packed 12+ hours away from my humble Spanish Fork home, where I am currently sitting on my ass doing nothing but eating rice and farting under this blanket, which is probably a reason why I don't have a significant other, or friends that live near me.

This is where the ADD kicks in.

I look a lot like Tina Fey. I act a lot like Liz Lemon, I know because I watch 30 rock religiously. I can't decide if I like this fact or not. Either I am a 40 year old woman with an obsession with cheese and can't date normal men, except one that is now married OR a 40 year old woman who is sad, lonely and HILARIOUS! Seriously though, I really can't decided if these are good options or bad ones. I think I need to reevaluate my life if I ever want to be date worthy again....but that is so much effort!!!
Also Peter looks like Alec Baldwin so if you bring peter back that means I could very likely be back into the dating scene. He is my mentor and all.

DUH....

.....BUH...... That's all I have to say.

Spanish Fork, Utah is ruining lives.

I have a friend, her name is Jessica. I love her dearly and miss her crazy antics. Everyday my heart grows more and more sorrowful everyday that I cannot see her. What really sucks is that we live, oh maybe, 15 minutes away if you want to take the slowest/longest road in America, Spanish Fork Main St. So she texts me today saying she feels kinda sick and that I should probably come over tonight. Note as aforementioned I haven't left my house since Saturday night, so I am DYING to leave my house. I tell her that I will be there soon and head for the bus stop. As soon as I get to cross the street, with the stop in my eyesight, that stupid mother fucking bus comes and goes. I just stopped walking for a minute because I was mad. But I pick up my feet and walk to the bus stop anyways because there might be another one in the next half an hour. I go and check and there isn't one until 9:30, an hour and a half later. So I got really mad and told Jess that I couldn't come over, and then I decided to explain how Spanish Fork can suck my balls and need to be a real metropolitan city instead of a fucking cow town. So I have written this letter in hopes that this town will take it to heart.

Dear Spanish Fork,
I know we haven't been together for very long but I miss my friend and I would like to go and see her, and you won't allow me to. This frustrates me dearly. You forced me to put pants on and walk a third of a mile in hopes of seeing her and then squashed that hope and innermost desire. Thank you. I suggest that you improve your attitude toward me or else this relationship will have to end abruptly.
Hoping to go all the way with you,
Brooke Hemsath

Pants are lame.

Huey Lewis and the News once said,"Its hip to be square."

THEY LIED!

Everyone knows that being hip isn't in fact hip. Take the "indie" crowd for instance, they have been wearing plaid since before lesbians. News flash, no one care WHO or WHAT you are wearing. You see I just don't wear clothes. I mean I wear my undies and a shirt on most occasions, the occasions I am not means I am in the shower. But we all know who the real culprit is....PANTS!!!! No one should wear pants ever. I hate them so much that even right now I am sitting on my couch with everything else on besides my pantaloons. Everyone who enjoys pants should be shot down like a overly confident nerd.

   So in sumation, its really square to be hip. Maybe we need to go back  to the 80s and send everyone to boot camp where you don't need diener hosen, you just need BALLS of STEEL!!

So I woke up feeling like P diddy.

I read blogs. Not just one, but like, 3 or 4 really funny blogs about how we all suck at life. Tragically enough I want to do the same. I, honest to god, think that my head is one of the most awful places to be because, well, I am random as shit. I do a lot of things everyone else does but I actually admit MOST of those things. Such as today, I am 20 and I built a fort with my best friend who is 21, meanwhile we took shots of Sailor Jerry and I ate one cream cheese tube while she was here. I proceeded to eat 2 more after she was gone. I am an average sized girl, meaning I weigh 135 and am 5'6", but I am a human garbage disposal. I can eat so much more than would be expected for someone my size.
    So I woke up the other day, after about 4 hours of drinking and taking care of barfing young adults, and I said to myself, "If this is what P Diddy feels like, then he must wake up with a hangover the size of Asia on a regular basis." Which then led me to remember the previous night. I'll explain what my usual night consists of: Facebook, Zelda or any video game, and large portions of food. Saturday night consisted of the following: saving my name as "Girl I want to do" in a boy's phone, having my tank top pulled off by this boy in front of all my friends (which isn't really that weird with my group), telling half my friends I would like to be a homewrecker, taking care of someone who was black out drunk, and then eventually falling asleep after being burned by a cigarette. Needless to say, I haven't left my house since then and why I felt like P Diddy. Only Ke$ha would enjoy singing a song about being so hungover you want to die. So after I pondered these things I fell asleep for three more hours and then went to bed at 9:30 at night.

Thank you Skyler for the burn.

   I lead one of the most interesting lives ever. I wouldn't change a single thing.