Bah humbug.

I like this bold print so this blog will be bold to represent my seriousness...of which is something I do not possess. Anyways, Christmas always brings out the worst in people. Like 75% of my clothing was given away by a few drug ridden douche bags that don't realize Karma is a huge bitch...believe me I know. Today I have taken the higher road to not say anything rude about anyone or anything, which is hard for me when I am angry. On the other hand I am also thinking about things in my life that need to change. First off, being more committed to everything in my life. Which includes school, not smoking and drinking less. Knowing myself it will be School, smoking one less cigarette a day and drinking more often. Either way I will be pleased. The second thing is I want to lose alllllllll the left over weight I have, even if it means I have to not eat for a week. Seriously, I am sick of it. I am not much of a show off when it comes to having a good body but its been a while since I have taken off my shirt and been completely happy with what I see soooooo I would like any surplus weight to be gone from my bodice. I would also like to be able to wear a bathing suit and not be ashamed. I am a female, I should look like one.

Have a Merry Christmas.....maybe

great.

You know how drug addicts have triggers that set them off and all they do after the trigger is touched is get high? Well I have that but with depression, and without the need to get high. Its cliche and gay and all that but the emotion is still real and annoying. Sometimes it happens though. I'll be totally fine then I am blue for a day and then I am fine again. Knowing me I usually always have a smile on my face and a chipper attitude but today feels completely different. All I want to do is stare. Just stare and think about how worthless everything is and how nothing actually matters and how life sucks. Then I think about karma and how its all my fault in retrospect. In all actuality I would rather be dead, having a whole group of friends mad at you for something you can't control kinda fucking blows. People I have known for years and know I would never intentionally hurt them find that I am a huge target to do exactly that. I don't know what to do, except end it all, but where would I go? Can't be any better than where I am in this point in my life. Whoever you are reading this, don't worry about me, I will be here tomorrow. I am always here.

Sup audience. Its been a long minute, a long minute filled with many sighs and a lot of good stories and a lot of tears. First off, I moved....again. This time it is with my dear friend/brother Daniel, my old friend Tyler, one of my best friends Jordan and then there is Anthony. We live in a small house in Provo and its pretty chill. I am also like 100 times closer to my bestie of besties Heidi. We smoke inside, and play mortal combat all day. We also have a race to the mustache. I actually have to sweep the floor because I lost and clean up an epic cat shit. ANYWAYS! I moved.
Second off, I have a job now, so I have even less time to sit on my ass and write dumb blogs about how retarded I am. My boss, incidentally, asked me out on two dates in high school and I stood him up both times because I guess I would have rather dated a black kid, and a fat asian...at the same time.
Third, my daughter turned three on the first of December and it was 3 years since I had to say goodbye to motherhood and hand that little blessing and responsibility to someone more suitable. Then I got in a tiff with a friend and a boy named nameless, and those two added up together equal not a good time. Luckily, I have a good friend called alcohol. Alcoholic or not, it makes nights go by a little faster and more fun, and Jordan just barked in her sleep....that was weird.

Now to the point of this blog. I have this ex boyfriend, his name is Alex J Peterson. He was my longest relationship, 2.5 years, which was in junior high as well. We used to write each other emails alllll the times and all the days. Sometimes they were cutesy and then some of them were myspace surveys. So I read through all of them and I realized that I have changed significantly and yet again, I haven't changed at all in the last 6 years. My sense of humor seems to be the only thing that has transitioned into adulthood, even then I don't have an "adult" sense of humor...whatever that is. My looks have pretty much stayed the same, except for maybe losing some baby fat in my face. My hair color is exactly the same. I still own half of the clothes I wore back then. Unfortunately I have zero pictures of my childhood or else I would show you. Anyways I am going to recover from a massive hangover. Piddy is how I feel.

Zelda.

If you know me well enough, you know that Link and I have a secret affair. Meaning I will ditch people to go play Zelda if I really feel inclined, which is often. At the moment I am playing Link to the Past and I am so goddamn frustrated I stopped to write a blog because I don't want to go and hang out with anyone. Why you ask? Because as much as Zelda makes me irate, the game can't talk back to me. I could say "Fuck you!" and all it would do is annoy me with its music some more. Not a bad trade off if you ask me. Seriously though, say you are in a fight with a friend and you say fuck you to them and all they do back is slay random creatures when you push b. I find that friendship to be the best one ever. Who needs a boyfriend when you have video games?!

Eventually you get sick of finding your undies in people's pockets.

I feel like when I drink in the middle of the week shitty things happen. In my defense, I was depressed and lonely and I needed to get my mind off of somethings so I drank, which wasn't smart. I confess my undying love to EVERYONE if I drink in the middle of the week. I also have bruises all the way down my legs and I have no idea how that happened. The last time I drank in the middle of the week my underwear was found in my friend's coat pocket, that's cool. So I am going to keep it to the weekends. As much as I love it, I hate it.
I just realized I confess my undying love to everyone when I am sober, but when I am drunk I use the phrase,"I am IN love with you." Also, I never say those things to people I actually like, because that would be kinda weird.

AND I GET TO DRIVE!! ALL WEEK!!

Just when I thought my balls were dropping...

I watched a movie today, it was a chick flick....I cried, like a lot of tears. It was then that I realized I have been acting way too girly lately. For that, I apologize to the entire world. Ugh. I feel like my uterus is crying for attention, it just way too sick of me ignoring that it even exists. So it decided to take over my brain with its estrogen powers, and now I am on day 3 of watching chick flicks, while in the meantime conscious brain is getting torchered with chemicals like lye, while it has to sit and watch these vagina movies. Not that I don't like chick flicks, because I really do, but I only like watching them when I have a friend here to eat ice cream with and complain about how we are lonely and then our periods start and we repeat this cycle the following month. Well you see, that time of the month was over 5 days ago so there is no excuse for this to be going on except what I stated earlier. This is like the Civil War but worse because hormones are involved and I haven't been exactly a happy camper this week. Yet, it is almost better since there was no slavery or the assassination of President Lincoln.

So yesterday I watched Crazy, Stupid, Love and then today was The Notebook. Both had Ryan Gosling and both made me want to slit my wrists. I am ignoring my stupid uterus for the rest of my life. I might even get a sex change. Tooooooo much crying just went on for a movie.

Rock Bottom.

So there is this place where I have ventured a few times. Its dark and scary and sobriety is not common but bad decisions are. That was my whole last week, because I am awesome. I was stranded in a very small town that is quite possibly the worst town in the whole world, Payson, UT....I dare not even speak its name. I keep being drawn back into this black hole since like half my friends live down there and my daughter does as well. There is nothing good about Payson, its like the Voldemort of towns. It probably had potential to be great for a minute there and then the worst people in the world took over, hicks. People who do not have the ability to form real sentences would be my definition for that word. They are also people who think pants need to ride up your balls, and that lassos are acceptable to bring into public. Its really like that Spongebob Squarepants episode where he rides the bus for too long and gets stuck in Rock Bottom with Patrick. You can't tell which bathrooms to go into because females look like the males, and they might have better mustaches then the guys too, and everyone talks different. I was scared. And I spent way too many nights sleeping on a couch.
Tonight is my first night home and I,honestly,feel kinda lonely seeing as the last two nights I have fallen asleep on a queen sized bed with me and two more boys. It was uncomfortable to say the least, but I passed out on a futon listening to Starcraft II later on and that is really all that anyone ever needs in life. Gaming and sleep at the same time is kind of like being in love but way better. So more like eating steak and potatoes, then eating a shit ton of cookies and NOT feeling sick after........I feel as though I might be hungry. I really want steak.